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some days are better than others.
Why, school, why? You choke the life out of me. I love acjc, I do, it's not even the old dunman-angst; but I am so much more unhappy in term-time. I suspect it's the waking up in the dark that does it. As I said to Miss J a while back, if I wanted to wake up in the dark eight months of the year I would still be living in Glasgow. And routines, and having to do things you don't think are necessary, or pleasant, or even remotely useful, and uniforms, and sticking out, and people being ...patronising. And hours on the bus, yuck.
Also, Culminatio. Oh, and, le YLYNN IS BACK <33 She got me flowers and they are smelling the room up lovely. I'm so glad she made Culminatio. The number of performances I've been involved with since she left is rather vast (and I know just how vast, been working on SGC today) it's awesome that she's made this one, it's the last, technically. Some of the Council came, too, and assorted CAPlets, and of course Sam (e' cosi' importante per me- lei dice che venisse primo anche di essere chiesto. vera amicizia, sai?) It's been a good last week to the holidays, as far as last weeks go. Oh well. Nothing lasts forever.
and you come crash into me.
other side of the world.
Fingers are sore from Also, Culminatio is this Saturday.
and you come crash into me.
smile empty soul
Things I Want To Do Which is, oddly enough, right now, it. Regarding sleep a logical question would be, WELL WHY DON'T YOU, ELEANOR. But this is a perennial question, I guess, with me. I am worried about Corinna. She is very, very sad, and I don't know why, and refusing to tell us. We're talking postpone-the-wedding sad. Sam? Aside, a bit annoyed at there being nothing to write about. It says even clearer than Cyril that I have been writing the same trash over and over for months. Not a good thing.
and you come crash into me.
I just want back in your head.
It's hilarious how when I am happy, there is nothing to blog about. This week is... IS week. And mug week. I have to start studying properly. I suppose now I have something to prove, and so distraction is just not on the cards. As auntie Val put it- just be a MODEL DAUGHTER AND DO NOTHING WRONG. Before I forget. I have to finish: Lit essay. Geog essay. Bio assignment, on homeostasis. Non-work-related: THEY ARE FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY MAKING THIS MOVIE OH GOD I AM SO HAPPY. Time Traveler's Wife was such a lovely, lovely book okay. Chicklit notwithstanding. It doesn't even need getting into- if you read the sad bits suddenly they are STILL HEARTWRENCHING. Also, Sarah Kane; The things I want, I want with you. ^^
and you come crash into me.
things like swaddhiwudipong kexin says:
and you come crash into me.
...felicità.
Tra essere perseguito per volerti e ricordare che non posso averti, I am wearing myself out.
and you come crash into me.
don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.
Hurrrr GS prelims are done, midyears are done, suddenly there is this huge void! Also I have a headache. Also I am not entirely stable at the moment hahaha this is. Okay breathe. Today was fun hanging out with TIGHT like the old days. Spent the morning in my dad's office figuring out how to put our movement storyboards into a table and then get the printer to hjkawivunivuqw work. Then Ikea for lunch, and back to school, and viva panic, and makeup (madam said it was 'terrible', miss wong that we looked like we'd been 'punched' hahahaha but we liked it). Run went quite well. I like our piece, really. Then back over, where I swear we all went HYSTERICAL. And Jack ate something two other people had eaten part of, WE ARE VERY PROUD OF HIM HE IS NOW READY TO FACE THE REAL WORLD. Er, last night I fell down the spiral staircase in the lobby. My foot is uh bruised. I am, somewhat ashamed. Limping, rather hahaha. Was worst after prelim, since the CPA is so COLD. Last night it turned out to be far worse than I initially thought when I told LK, no sure I'll just sit here and wait till it gets better; it took me an hour to walk to the bus stop I swear, after sitting there pretending nothing was wrong for a substantial period of time. I needed rescuing. Have I mentioned, Hannah is asleep next to me with one of my cats on her leg. That cat, has no shame. We are singing tomorrow at Raffles City and you are advised not to be there- this isn't even like an unsubtle hint or reverse psychology or anything. I really don't want witnesses. Okay, must must sleep head paaaain.
and you come crash into me.
briefly, because Ben Jelen is inhabiting my brain.
But now I'm doubting me, Rocks has that ...doom, doom, doom drum beat in the background that High and Dry has, but slower. It's subliminal-- LIKE NADSAT-- it draws you in. LIKE NADSAT. (exeunt, panicked.)
and you come crash into me.
so please be sure to read the fine print.
Biology, you will be the death of me. And not in the Darwinian sense, thankyou. Brain is completely fried, and I get home to discover my room has been completely rearranged. I have this set of two-inch colour pencils arranged in a cd case? WHICH HAVE BEEN JUMBLED UP. My bookshelf, WICKED IS NEXT TO FRAGILE THINGS IS NEXT TO 向左走，向右走. Argh argh argh I don't know where anything is! Some bits of today were nice, but I was totally hysterical till about two o'clock, for reasons unknown, which may have been... confusing, would you say? Viz the mugging, Gene therapy is okay, assuming I remember all the details. OCOPEG is still a bit vague and all this stuff about tissue culture is just a joke haha I don't remember anything. I am genuinely worried about the paper on friday. The most tiring thing today, however, was booking slots when the consult sheets went up. It was like trying to book a lifeboat off the Titanic. Booked for Div as well, because lol otherwise NONE LEFT. I'm a bit lost as to what I booked for myself! Have to go double check tomorrow. Okay I am going to. Rearrange my colour pencils into a spectrum and then go to bed. Early. Because I am. Too tired to read any more, Huxley, just too damn tired. Somewhere at the edges of my consciousness: very excited (in a muffled way) about CAP.
and you come crash into me.
oh won't you light my candle?
At dinner last night: I suspect this is not as funny if you don't know the way my dad talks! He says everything like it's terribly new and serious and totally unheard of! And he has no interest in football, or SPC. I don't know I suspect this is where i get my strangeness from. Today Mel and I were singing RENT in the candeck. Totally unproductive. I have been trying to finish this damn GP compre for days. I. Cannot. Focus. yet you yearn and you churn and -rebound.
And so inexplicably, terribly tired! I don't know why. If it's to do with being sick yesterday it should pass, right? Did you swoon when she walked through the door? Every time, so be cautious.
and you come crash into me.
so in the chorus
I’m sorry, but your cats just freak me out,
and;
and you come crash into me.
places you have come to fear the most.
How there is always a choice, how reason prevails. You put in X, you get back Y. The tide comes in. The tide goes out. The high cost of living. Every god damned departure. For once not knowing what you want is unmitigated by knowing you cannot have it. Tu sei solo una cosa che per me e' importante. Continental drift theory. The inevitability of changing landscapes. Economies of scale- the law of diminishing affection. Mi mancherai. Thermodynamics. The fear of dying. The fear of falling. Fill up your damn forms and leave. Borders. Water. Oh I cannot get my thoughts in order!
and you come crash into me.
free, to get up and leave
Eleanor stupidity is not attractive. Study. Nothing else.
and you come crash into me.
every plan is a tiny prayer to father Time.
AND SO TODAY WE MUST COMPLETE:
Thankyou eleanor you may return to being useless now. We'll see you at home.
and you come crash into me.
you are my joy, you are my joy.
Heh I hate it when people do this to me, but I demand an outlet and I'm no good channelling to paper. And I need to get it out so I can do my GP. Sono gia' stanca di aspettare che lui mi dice cosa vuole veramente. Troppo difficile sapere. A me non piace mio comportamento, recentemente, ma non sono neanche sicuro come potrei cambiare. Ultimamente sei tu deve decidere la strada... And so Tiromancino and Samuele Bersani are all the answers I have. Such an absurdist play.
and you come crash into me.
concessions.
Ju was right; Ultimate Productivity > anger > misery > boys. Becky was right about 'a little fond of you', but more accurate still with how I need to be careful. Andrew was right that we are fishing in the middle of a field. Rachel was right in shaking her head at me. Sam was right in telling me to take stock and take it easy. Most painfully I begin to think Madam was right, too. Urgh all my refusals. Things, change, please!
and you come crash into me.
there's more to life than love and being together. My neighbours Axel and Corrina are getting married in I think two weeks. We were all at my upstairs neighbours' place and playing Taboo and stuff, and they were dancing stupidly to ABBA, and oh god, they are so in love. And it's naive of me, I know there's so much more to it and it's not always easy and fun simple and secure and dancing in living rooms but. I want that. I mean this is premature- I have my whole life ahead of me to find something like that and it's not like it's the only thing I want but it's just awful watching them and feeling so alone. Oh what the hell.
and you come crash into me.
oh angst, I don't know where you come from. There's a war inside of me aside, Tim Tam is (persistently) asking me to sing at the open mic thing. I WOULD VERY VERY MUCH LIKE TO BUT I'M TERRIFIED AND HANNAH IS NOT WANTING TO SING WITH ME. PLUS AFTER FIASCO A IDK IF I WANT TO TRAUMATISE MYSELF (or perhaps my audience) AGAIN LIKE THAT. *breathe*
and you come crash into me.
headsfull.
No I don't know why today is so angsty. I think it's the lack of sleep.
one: When we go out to dinner she introduces herself to the waitress and jokes about poisoning my drink. The silver chains of her earrings tangle in her hair, and like arsenic my fascination accumulates. I am increasingly in love with her, drawn to her like a migrating bird, gradually tangled in her hair.
two: How she writes. Cancelling words out, and then, re-reading, reminded by errors of their own importance, writing the same thing again four pages on. I begin to understand why she refuses to type her work. Her letters like post-structuralist novels. And then something I read about totality.
three: Sitting across from you I look away only to look back, only to check if your face is secure in my mind. For now you are square in front of me, and I can be sure. Even though I know you are leaving, this comforts me.
four: And again I am searching for meaning. five: I am not afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of that level of commitment. six: How in Latin, there is no distinction between mermaid and siren. seven: I am filled with a hunger that leaves no room for food. I catch myself wanting to eat, but nothing seems worth the effort, so I go to bed. Full of your absence. eight: The same way I never tire of thinking of you. How I am desperate to know you. Know all of you. nine: No one has ever filled my mind this way, trickling into it like alcohol and remaining, unsubsiding, like a flood. Every time I think of you I find myself imagining oceans, Atlantics, where before my life was dry land. ten: I am intensely aware of you. The inches between your shoes and mine. The seconds for which my arm is pressed against yours. I begin to think of you in still frames. I have trouble constructing narrative with the instances I have of your face, so my memory of our time is disjunct- I have lost track of when you held my hand, when your arm was around me- and yet I have forgotten nothing. Anyway. My CC is done. To be very honest this brings me less joy than I expected. Oh well.
and you come crash into me.
I've tried counting sheep Haahaha yesterday my CC was 4468 words long. An hour ago my CC was 3320 words long . My CC now has 2993 words. It's going, to be a long night.
and you come crash into me.
much ado,
Hm. I very much enjoyed Much Ado About Nothing. It was awesome to get out of the house and away from the computer and sit (sort of) on the grass. I got in the car with my dad (who spontaneously offered me a lift), and Human started playing, and the sun was shining, and haha Jun called me to ask about cheese, and I suddenly thought there might still be time for it to turn out to be a good day- and it did. Food and a clear sky and people I like and haha some bacardi. I thought they were a bit over the top, sometimes, but it was a hugely amusing, completely entertaining show, and strong performances all round. Wendy Kweh and Adrian were all they were made out to be, even if thought he milked the laughs a bit once in a while. She was quite fantastic, I was very impressed. Haahhaha and Ju and Jason were quite adorable. Jason was like a twelve-year-old. OH AND DUDE, THE SET, HAD A SWIMMING POOL ON IT. AND A FOUNTAIN. This was a HUGE selling point. The set was really quite inspired. There was this little kid walking around that I didn't quite see the need for. Seeing Adrian with no clothes on was a... surprise. Did I mention the pool?
and you come crash into me.
older chests reveal themselves I think I'm aging prematurely. My knees ache when it's cold. Also, in the (stunning, stunning gorgeous) photos Jorg took yesterday, I swear I look about thirty-five. And not in a good way. It may, however, be due to the lack of sleep. By the way, CC standing at 2684 oh God.
and you come crash into me.
I suppose this is just wasting time that could be better spent.
I am too tired to finish writing my CC. Or rather, resynthesising the information from two separate rewrites into some coherent structure, and footnoting accurately. I am thoroughly ill. My sleep schedules are so out of whack. But for some reason I'm just going to keep writing. Because there comes a point.
and you come crash into me.
End consonants!
So today, since going into school so Celine could do my makeup for her CC failed to yield decent photos (she's no photographer, and the camera couldn't cope with the glitter, and I am very unphotogenic), I went over to Jorg's so he could help take a few. On the way I call to check the address, and he tells me, clearly, block 20A, 10-11. And I'm like okay, I know it's Marine Crescent, so my dad drops me outside block 20 and heads home. And I was walking around, trying to find 20A. After realising the block numbers are totally arbitrary, I head towards the area that looks most familiar, but then I'm put off by the fact that it's mysteriously block 27. In my head I am constructing a complaint about the illogical way 20 and 20A appear to have everything from 16 to 32 between them. Then walking home from there, I stop and and consider the new CHIJK campus. I'm feeling kind of melancholy and nostalgic, missing the wooden railings and very much filled with kids-these-days thoughts. But I pull myself away, turn around, and smack my nose right into a telephone pole. Also, I've realised why I miss writing these things. I can talk about things that happen to me without needing to tell someone. I think this will, actually, save me drama in the future because it means less pointless attention-dependence relationships. Healthier to bitch into the emptiness of cyberspace, really.
and you come crash into me.
fill it up again.
So, pitas, after some embarrassment, I'm back. I think I eventually realised, mostly because I was reading people's LJ's for the first time in ages, that I miss having my own space. Uh today TIGHT performed at the special ed teachers' conference thing. Thankfully the audience was not, as we had feared, smaller than the cast, and they fed us which was nice. I have begun to lose my speech functions I fear, it's rather late. I need to tell someone, by the way, that Indigo Girls are very awesome. I discovered a cd of theirs I didn't know I had and listened to it in the hopes that I would mysteriously turn out to be Samantha Black Crow. Unfortunately not, but a very good disc nonetheless. ...I admit this post is just to check the layout. I will... find my voice again soon enough. Also, non-existant reader, bear with the coding bugs I will fix asap >_>
and you come crash into me.
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Hello, I'm Ele.
I climb trees, I have this thing for American Apparel and I love fairy lights.
I speak qualified Italian. I like sad songs, and songs with my name in them.
(and now everyone can google me and my fatalistic mix of td-tables and absolute positioning, yay.)