___"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
______________________to sing in the lifeboats."

jun
deviantart
photography
archives


Ele is studying in the UK, climbs trees, and has a thing for American Apparel; more so Victoria's Secret.

She loves fairy lights. She likes sad songs, and songs with her name in them.


[+] leave a comment


oh there ain't no diamonds in the boredom
no there ain't no darkness that I fear.

Saturday, December 22, 2012
11:35 a.m.

Twenty years we lived in the same country. I leave in a week and you choose this moment to tell me that it's me, it's always been me.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
11:35 a.m.


I'm saving all the green m&m's.
Monday, December 17, 2012
12:23 a.m.

All I can do
When every brick, every bar, every elegance I see, I see her face,
Is just push on, just push on through,
These embers of memories that float from the fire, from the fire of this place.

So don't give up on me now,
Oh these legs that'll walk me home.

Because it's only concrete and cars,
It's only sirens and missing stars,
It's only whiskey and disregard
In the smallest hours here, when I feel alone.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, December 17, 2012
12:23 a.m.


been awake since five and my mouth is dry and I'm trying to get back to sleep.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
08:28 a.m.

It keeps catching me off guard. I was making tea, and I thought of us making tea in your kitchen, debating whether putting the milk in first (you don't need a teaspoon then) or after (you can gauge how much to put by the colour) is better. My mom and I were watching WTOS and Billy Connolly gets on a plane leaving Shetland and I remember you working out how much it would cost to fly home as opposed to driving there. Then I think of the ferry, again. I think of your warm, huge hands. It's fucking my head up massively.

Then last night I walked to the beach and I stood in the sea, and I remembered the first night I stayed over at yours. I told you that when the wind rushes past the window of my flat it sounds like waves, and I told you that had been making me homesick. You hugged me because you understood, you said that back on the island- and I laughed and I said I was from an island too. And we lay there all night, trying to sleep, and I felt safe. With your wasted heart pounding against my back, as though even then you were running away.

I don't know why I'm so bothered by all this. I've fallen for people before. I've also been told no before. I've gotten over it. But I'm gutted by the loss of something that could have been, it's this dull ache in my chest. I'm just trying to put it behind me. It's not working very well.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
08:28 a.m.


Just 'cause you're crazy doesn't mean that you're free.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
02:07 p.m.

Things I did before I left: Drinks and girl/boy problem bitching with Tufty, pizza-beer-Zombieland night in with Dan (followed by a much improved Where The Wild Things Are), lunch with Lou and Kate, pre-Christmas dinner of giant curry and home-made bread with K, C and their respective boys (when I felt single and left out I sat with Lula), Sub Rosa with Shannon (Dan didn't get in for lack of ID) and then (in a bizarre loop to my first party of the summer) that messed-up flat where Amreet's leaving do was. Then I slept through all my alarms and woke up at 1300, unpacked, for a 1600 flight. It's a miracle I got out here at all.

Since I got here I've been to the cinema for a work outing thing with my dad's office, out to salsa at Union Square with my parents (where I had one fantastic bachata which made me feel like a better dancer than anything has in ages, and a salsa so good it was like being back with Sean or Chris), lain by the pool and read till I was slightly burnt, driven for ages for the sake of it, eaten chilli crab and chee chong fun and goreng pisang and kaya toast and old chang kee chicken wings and rehvkmvnriuvjnerljelwevwettt. Nom.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
02:07 p.m.


hold on when you get love, and let go when you give it.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
06:41 p.m.

This was a great weekend, but the most important thing is that I went to see Stars at the Oran Mor with Oj, and then (by virtue of him having engineered there in the past and them not having changed the backstage doorcode in over a year) we ended up hanging out with Torquil and various members of the band till the small hours. I have partied with rockstars and their tour manager has emailed me a couple of times to get recommendations for Singapore. And the gig, right, was absolutely, fucking, marvellous. I think it was maybe the happiest two hours of my life.

All the rest, tl;dr.

So last week was pretty dreadful. After the incident with Bicep and my bag and the girls I have no time for it was off to a lousy start, then the Chat with A, then the evil flu, then the mess that was my CR and writing it... You get it. And then literally minutes after handing in my CR I dropped my phone down the toilet. I went to the O2 shop to see if there was any chance I was due an upgrade and the (in retrospect very lovely and kind) boy who served me was from the islands and had A's accent, I very nearly burst into tears. I left and went into town to return a couple things to TK Maxx and pick things up from Patches' but I thought I'd stop in Primark: big mistake. Had a minor panic attack and had to leave in a hurry, showed up on Patches' doorstep almost in tears again. But I cheered up hanging out with him and his friends, none of whom knew where Singapore was and started posting links to Yahoo Answers: Is Singapore In China? on my wall. Tufty also showed up momentarily and I freaked him out by making him think he had the wrong flat.

I went home and called mamma who was really very nasty about the week I'd had, so I got upset, had a beer with Lou and took a nap. Then I went to Blawan with Shannon- everyone else was going to Pressure, and fuck spending 20 quid to stand in the Arches for six hours. Yuck. Afterwards I somehow ended up at Bank St with the boys, expecting a quiet one, but it turned into a party. I left late afternoon Saturday, went home and slowcooked a curry, had a shower, then went to Uboats to go see Mosca. The music was great but the sound system just made you wish you were at Subby.

Then as I was sitting down texting this guy started talking to me, then said, where are your friends? I said, up front, and he said, do you wanna come dance with me? He was clearly bent as a hairpin so I said sure, and his friends insisted I was coming to party with them afterwards, I was welcome to bring my friends but I was definitely coming. So we did. And Oj texted me asking what we were doing after, and could they come, so I told the boys, can my brother come- trust me, you'll LOVE him. The party was great, Finlay seemed very comfortable having total strangers in his very nice flat. At some point Graeme and I decided to tie our legs together with my scarf and three-legged-race around the place. We also sat on Oj and Callum's shoulders. It was a bit mad.

Me, Uboat, the Bank st boys and that mad german bird all left at about 9 and planned to go back to Bank st for a wind-down, so we snuck seven of us into a six person cab (funny in itself), got home and put on some downtempo music. Sandy and I fell asleep, and when I woke up there were about fifteen people in Oj's room and there was a party on. My powers of sleeping-through-things, are unrivalled. At about seven Oj threw himself at the floor, rolled over like a puppy and went to sleep, but he woke up when Richard and I made a poor attempt at picking him up and putting him in bed. So he put some trousers on and came to the Stars gig with me. We went in and had a beer and I realised that Will Dreger had never given back my disposable camera, and Oj yelled, ASIAN TOURIST!!, so I sprinted off to Boots to buy a new one. While I was gone Oj did a sneaky and bought me a pillowcase that says Tell me how I sleep, tell me how I wake up, tell me how I dream and very proudly presented it to me when I got back. I've put it on my bed but I think I need a better pillow to do it justice.

During the gig Oj played the tambourine with Torq, who grabbed my arm as he was yelling angrily through Do You Want To Die Together and dragged me half onto the stage. Amy fistbumped me during Walls as I held up my pillowcase. They sang One More Night and The 400 for an encore, and I very nearly cried. Torq said Take Me To The Riot was about the road just outside, and that Soft Revolution was a good song for Scotland. He also does a great Glaswegian accent, turns out his family are Scottish. Shoulda guessed.

When they finally left I staggered drunkenly up the road to Bank St where, it turned out, Oj had not showed up. I sat on the sofa with Callum and Stevo and passed out, next thing I knew Oj was picking me up, saying he had no idea how but he'd come to in a close in a block of flats up by Naked Soup. It's still a mystery. I stayed over and slept till late because I felt like a headache on legs. Hung out with the boys, watched some movies, was relieved to discover that my interview the following day required no prep. Left at about 0200 after falling asleep several times in Sandy's room as they played Football Manager. Walked with Callum to BBQ Kings and, as we parted ways, promptly fell on my ass in the ice-deathtrap that is Great Western road.

All in all, right, a fucking fantastic last weekend. I could not have asked for more.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
06:41 p.m.


Today's xkcd.
Friday, November 30, 2012
06:39 a.m.

Today's xkcd epitomises my last post, in my head. But he doesn't read xkcd, and he doesn't see it that way, and there's no way for me to tell him that-

Oh grow a set, Eleanor. He's a jerk anyway.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, November 30, 2012
06:39 a.m.


All I can do now is make it worse.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
10:58 p.m.

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know.

When I go for my checkup this year it could turn out I've come out of remission. You could get caught in a storm on the way home and the ferry could sink. My plane could crash. You could drive into a ditch.

How do I make you see that none of that other stuff matters? Just. Be with me.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
10:58 p.m.


Come on, life's too short.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
08:36 p.m.

From when I'm sitting I can see the tiny lights of cars leaving Glasgow. It's not as though I have any notion of which way North is, but I imagine they are driving somewhere colder, somewhere darker and more heathered than this tired city. Somewhere without tenements, without pleading flower sellers and pre-emptive, plastic Christmas decorations.

And I don't know if it's fog or cloud or some kind of radio-like interference but the distant streetlights, all clustered on the horizon, they tremble with an almost galactic instablility. I read as a child that only stars twinkle: a constant light in the sky must be a planet, or a satellite, because there aren't enough lightyears between us to create that ancient shimmer. Time has to pass and light must travel before things can become that beautiful.

Without warning I imagine you on the ferry home, and the Northern storms you told me about. I remember the letter I plan to write you at Christmas, and with film-like clarity and equally cinematic melodrama suddenly fear you could drown before I ever tell you how I feel. Everything I should have said, neatly packaged and airmail stamped at the door of a flat you will never return to.
Then I look up at the lights again but the motorway must have quietened, because I can no longer make out the lines of fleeing traffic.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
08:36 p.m.


#POFITS, as Ally would say.
Monday, November 26, 2012
06:50 p.m.

Here is what really happened. What really happened.

You were too much of a coward to stick up for me. You would rather take your friends' side- when you can see perfectly well that the situation was not what they presume it to be (even though they should probably know better). Even though you've heard my side of the story. Even though you said yourself, I'm nice. I'm fucking nice. And even though you can see perfectly well that the last thing I need right now is more of their petty bullying.

So you're a coward, and instead of me wondering why I'm not good enough, I went back to tell you that no we are not still friends. Things are not all okay, just 'cause you've said, oh I can only apologise. I don't know what I want from you. But I'm not an idiot. Of course you're not going to suddenly change your mind. But I said my piece and it didn't work so you know what, you're missing out. And one day you will come home from work and turn on the TV and it will hit you like a train that you miss me. That you made a mistake when you let me run down the stairs of your close and out of your life, because you were too scared and too selfish to do what your heart said you should.

And I'm glad I went back. Because at risk of being the crazy girl who shows up on your doorstep twice: if I hadn't, I would have been angry and run over it time and time again in my head. And I would have waited for another chance to tell you that you've hurt me. And because I know what you're like, I know that chance would never come round and I would sit here blaming myself and wasting my life, missing you.

What a weight off my chest. Later, Alex. This is your loss.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, November 26, 2012
06:50 p.m.


oh baby, move like you want to,
honey move like you need.

Sunday, November 25, 2012
08:27 p.m.

A little pop psychology: as an only child I've never had to compete for love and attention from my parents. It's probably why I get jealous of the friends my mother likes, even as I take offence at the ones she dismisses out of hand. So maybe I am drawn to people whose love I feel I must chase and acquire. People to whom I must prove myself lovable, and in doing so prove to my tragically insecure self that, yes, if they can see how wonderful I am then wonderful I must indeed be.

Or maybe I just have poor taste in selfish, screwed up, tunnel-visioned men. And all that fucking sadness in your blue eyes when you looked at me last night.

I've had a dreadful 24 hours. I spent a lot of today wishing I would wake up from the terrible dream. The reality is of course that I'm not asleep. And also I've - again - hopelessly overestimated the depth of our connection, with that pathetic blind hope I am so skilled at building up in my head.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
08:27 p.m.


rant rant rant rant rant rant rant.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
07:55 p.m.

I'm going to write about this once, and then I'm going to move on.

I'm quite annoyed. Because I'm starting to worry I did something wrong - if I did then I wish you'd just tell me. If I didn't, not replying is rude, and since I'm insecure by nature it's incredibly inconsiderate of you. It's making me so fucking nervous and paranoid. It's such a... teenaged-girl-reaction way to behave: I don't care how introverted you are, it's no excuse for ignoring me. It's making me very upset.

And I slept so badly, I dreamt horrible things. I woke up when my phone rang and the nightmare was so awful I was actually relieved someone was calling at four in the morning to look for a party. And then I lay there for hours wishing I wasn't alone. I feel so ill today. I could really use a hand.

I'm starting to feel like Landry, when he says he has some sort of talent for repelling females. "Sends them running. I was in love with Tyra for a long time and I chased her away and then there was another girl and I completely chased her away... and it was a lot quicker." So hey, Tami T, you got any advice for me?

And I'm promising myself now. This is the last I'm going to hear of this crap.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
07:55 p.m.


stock still no turning back.
Friday, November 16, 2012
01:36 a.m.

Well I'm so sad tonight
And the words won't come out right
It's been a long day on the track
And it's stamina that I lack.

So won't you run to me tonight?
Tonight we could pretend that we're just lovers,
But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner.

Sea Wolf are always spot on, eh?

and you come crash into me.
Friday, November 16, 2012
01:36 a.m.


I guess a t-shirt saying PICK ME was pretty fitting after all.
Shame my subliminal messaging was unsuccessful.

Monday, November 12, 2012
02:18 a.m.

Sure, I'm feeling kind of sad about it. I don't think it's fair, but I guess if you do something wrong when the punishment comes it isn't necessarily something you expect, and you don't get to choose what it is. So okay, I'm taking the blame. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it at all. Sit tight, I guess. Wait and see.

Fuck karma. I really like you.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, November 12, 2012
02:18 a.m.


Still there's things I'd do, darling, I'd go blind for you
Thursday, November 8, 2012
06:44 p.m.


Depth over distance every time, my dear,
And I may foolish to fall as I do.
Still there's strength in the blindness you fear,
If you're coming too,
If you're coming too.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
06:44 p.m.


/feelings hurt
Thursday, November 8, 2012
02:40 a.m.

Ufsoh, mci ybck kvoh, mci gom mci'js uch 1.5 msofg hc qcas jwgwh pih ks pchv ybck dsftsqhzm kszz hvoh mci kcb'h wt W oab'h gwbuzs. Mci hfojsz ozz cjsf hvs tiqywbu kcfzr, obr mci qob'h twbr hvfss romg hc qcas vsfs. Obr mci gom wt W rcb'h ush wb hciqv tcf o kvwzs hvsb mci 'oggias W'a vccywbu id' obr hvoh mci'fs 'bc zcbusf fszsjobh', pih mci vojs gc aobm dscdzs wb mcif zwts, obr mci ybck hvoh oh hvs sbr ct ftq pmk W vojs mci, obr Goa, obr hvoh'g pogwqozzm wh. Mci'fs bch hvs cbs kvc vog hc qcadshs tcf hwas obr ottsqhwcb cyom? Gc W'zz gss mci poqy vcas. Tcfush wh.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
02:40 a.m.


What Would Annie Leibovitz Do?
Monday, November 5, 2012
11:31 p.m.

You could have done better. I'm nice, I really, really am. And I know I made a proper fool of myself with you but for God's sake, I've done everything right since. I'm nice to your friends, I act normally with you, I tried to get to know you in a polite and sane way. By expressing an interest. By, I don't know, trying. You didn't have to be so fucking rude. I can take a hint. You really hurt my feelings.

Apart from that, I'm struggling with being The Bitch Who. I feel awful. I do. Why am I the only one paying?

I'm just feeling like a wreck today. K is absent and C is busy and I want to go to the beach and forget everything. I'm hurt and I'm angry and people are looking at me like.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
11:31 p.m.


someplace will be open after hours.
(tl;dr)

Monday, November 5, 2012
11:29 a.m.

This was a really good weekend.

Reading Party

Thursday the department took us to Aberfoyle to climb trees and stuff. I made my presentation on lucid dreaming with the girls on the first day, which was a relief to get out of the way. I spent the night beforehand dressed as Aquafresh, procrastinating and talking to Jason till five in the morning, because having insomniac friends means youíre never truly alone. I watched Adam. And did virtually no work on my presentation: the moment I started (sometime around 0430) my HP finally gave up the ghost and the screen went almost totally white. You can still see, kind of, but not well enough to use it practically.
So on 45 minutes sleep I skyped mamma, got really snarky and then went to the library to spend half an hour cobbling together slides to print out. I wouldnít be able to use the OHP (ikr, OHP!?) because Iíd missed the final CR meeting where Mr G had printed them out for us. I wrote notes on the bus, feeling ill, where R and I bitched about the girls sitting behind us. But we got there, did the presentation, and I -if youíll pardon me- fucking owned it. Two people I didnít know and one of the girls in my group came over to tell me how good I was. As they say, well chuffed. Shame we donít get marked like this more often.

Then I ate a huge lunch and we went out into the wilderness. Night Line, problem solving and tree climbing. Twelve metres off the ground. Check me. And then a huge dinner- I ate mine then R and Aís leftovers. Had a nap then went to the party, we came second in the pub quiz and then started dancing to the sounds of the Worst DJ In The World. It was fun till everyone else was wasted and every surface was sticky, and I just wanted to go to bed. Had a lovely chat with the girl in the bunk below mine; I made us chamomile tea. Crashed before everyone else got back, slept exhausted and happy in a seriously comfortable bunk bed. The next day saw me and my group trying not to fall asleep too obviously at the back of the second round of presentations, then more climbing in a very muddy forest. I was thrilled because yeah, okay, it was absolutely horribly freezing but I don't do enough outdoorsy things any more. It helped with the overwhelming homesickness I've been feeling. Got on the bus, slept all the way home.

Discovered a source of money and went out to SBTRKT for Beccaís birthday. Bumped into the Ruthven st boys, plus Tom and Conor and Beccy, so bounced around between groups and didnít dance enough. Went to the Unit after, where I may have somewhat upset S. Left around seven, stayed at T and Cís, slept most of the day. Went by Uboatís on the way home to pick up some things from Halloweíen and spent a couple hours criticising the MOBOs and harassing the Heron. Fun.

It goes on.

F agreed Berkeley Suite was a good idea (I kept my reasons to myself) but by the time I got there Ginge had gotten kicked out so I stayed with their friends. And then, totally unexpectedly, AW comes over out of nowhere and says hi. Weíve hardly spoken over the last two weeks. Heís there with two friends, Alex and Dan and I hit it right off with A. So we all leave together and go to mine to pick up a bottle to take to a party, at which point I realise everyone knows and Iím The Bitch Who. Whenever weíre talking A comes to check that weíre, as KSL would say, letting the light pass through. And it wasnít that he told him about me, it was that itís been going around. And he recognised me in the Berkeley Suite from facebook. I guess it was naive to expect anything else, but God almighty, why do people do these things. Why did I?

But the party was fun. Lots of. Then some of the people from there, and I, went back to Aís- by this point Iím a whole three degrees of separation from my own group of friends. But they were nice, and the music was excellent, and six hundred years passed because some things are awfully (and this is not a word Iíd ever have thought to use, itís such a Mamma word,) moreish. I crashed out and people left at about five. A woke me at eight and made us tea.

And it was just the best evening in a long time: I made soup and toast while he was in the shower and we watched Nick and Noraís Infinite Playlist which I havenít seen since the time in the cinema. Then we went to bed and tried in vain to get some rest; I dozed off but I think he was up all night. Woke with a start at 0610. Got up about half an hour later, both of us looking fairly pissed off with the world. I walked to Partick subway and there was frost on the grass and all the cars- left A defrosting his windshield and feeling like Iíd known him for years. Maybe itís the way the centuries pass on the things that we do, but.
Went to the library, realised I didnít have my matric card (Ďcause I donít want to lose it at a party again and have to awkwardly explain myself in the Fraser building), so I went home, got some toast, and then walked back in and started working on the focus group data till it was time for class.

So some really good things came out of this weekend. I donít know how but my world keeps getting bigger and bigger. Think Iím finally done with the bender and back to real life.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
11:29 a.m.


I can sleep when I'm dead. Or next week.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
03:16 a.m.

Wednesday. Photos at Bloc for Scott and Deathcats, then guesties for Sub Club. Slept at Katy's - 0300.
Thursday. Got up at 0900 for focus group. The fire alarm went off when we were running it. Went to Katy's to process photos from night before. Photos at the final Tremors, then party in Hyndland where I met some crazy people. Back to Tom's - 0730.
Friday. Meeting at 1300. Processed Tremors photos at Lou's in record time. Julio Bashmore! Julio! Bashmore! Then the Arches. Then uBoat's - no sleep.
Saturday. Walked to work at the CDF for 0930. Finished at 1830. Went home, slept 2000 till 2220. uBoat's again, then SWG3. Fell asleep on Jason - 0800.
Sunday. Woke up and went to work for 1000. Home at 2000. Slept till 2300. Went to Classic Grand for CDF closing party and salsa. Then into Optimo for giggles. Afterwards I talked to a man dressed as a pirate for ages. Home at 0500.

Something like 25 hours sleep over 120. Averages out pretty okay, right?

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
03:16 a.m.


I suddenly realise that every other time I've thought my life was off the rails it was never as bad as this.
Monday, October 22, 2012
02:43 a.m.

So what did you do today?

(Climbed a tree, mended my sweater. Changed the pillowcases. Did my laundry: put a coloured wash on, hung up dries, folded and put away the things that have been sitting in the living room for days. Ate a proper dinner. Called my father to wish him happy birthday, he sounded so happy to hear from me. Did grand battements, tendus and extentions. Sent work photos off. Probably fucked someone's life up pretty badly, someone I saw so much of myself in that it ached. Watched In Bruges and drank myself into a coma.)

Not much.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, October 22, 2012
02:43 a.m.


Go away weekends leave my keys in the door
but why try to change me now?

Sunday, October 21, 2012
07:24 p.m.

Strange night. Strange day.

Sometimes I lie here and it seems impossible to know which way the ground is. Other nights it seems there is no sky. Now I look over at you and the floor falls away beneath me, you barely flinch as I drop into tomorrow. Where we've never even met. Or kissed. Or felt fury at the weight of loss I carry. Your absence is the smell of being angry in the rain, and suddenly I cannot think at all. The clutter that I sit amongst arranges itself like a cage. I worry at the knowledge I'll never run my hands through your hair again, as though the wound might never heal over smooth. As though that might be better than forgetting how it felt.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
07:24 p.m.


"Just know that someday we are getting a dog for Christine."
Thursday, October 18, 2012
09:21 p.m.

We expected something, something better than before,
We expected something more.
Did you really think that you could put it in safe behind a painting lock it up and leave?

Whatever went away, I'm getting over now,
I'll get money, I'll get funny again.

Walk away now, and you're gonna start a war.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
09:21 p.m.


Banal is Best~!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
05:33 p.m.

Had a bit of a freakout at the dentist today. Dave picked up the needle, for the anaesthetic, and I had this flashback to my biopsy. I curled away and covered my face. It's strange how I can remember the nurse's face, and the layout of the room from where I was sitting. I didn't cover my mouth, I covered the side of my face.

I do not like going to the dentist. Came outta there with my hands all shaking and immediately went into Sonny and Vito's and bought a double handful of food and some presents for Richard and Steph.

Tried to email H last night. I don't think he wants to talk to me.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
05:33 p.m.


'Cause I'll always remember you the same,
Oh, eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.

Saturday, October 6, 2012
04:13 p.m.

Lying glowing in Oj's bed this morning after a prolonged disco nap I realised two things.

One: I'm always like this. Always headsfull. There's always someone. And so I should know it's nothing to worry about in the long run, because these sore teeth I have to push, these peopleburns, that blister over and need to be pressed on, they burst and heal and fade and then I barely remember they existed in the first place. So keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set, keep your hair long. And every time a day feels like too much time to wait, wait a week. Take your vitamins and heal over, heal over someday.

Two: Sometimes when I think that they're avoiding me, I'm actually avoiding them. And then wondering why they never come speak to me. Maybe it's self-preservation. But I dance around the room and then wonder why I'm always on the opposite side. So go back, Ele. Go back to the flirting and the computer game chat and the quirky comehither bullshit that you foster in place of personality. And stop looking for reasons why they aren't talking to you when you're practically legging it from any conversation that isn't "Listen I'm sorry about the other night", "It's fine, don't worry about it," "Hey do you have some gum?" All the crippling clarity of my new lifestyle.

I'm rolling in for a seven day weekend
Living up again to my old reputation
Can you cover me? 'Cause I've got no armour.
Keep on moving down the line

I'm speeding out of reach
Oh, you're the one I had to meet.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
04:13 p.m.


A scream becomes a yawn, I shut up and carry on.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
02:56 p.m.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
02:56 p.m.


losing your head is such a common theme.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
08:57 p.m.

I bought a giant tub of passionfruit yogurt. I was kind of craving passionfruit. It's not the only thing I'm craving, but its the one I can currently satisfy. REF has classes till nine, and there are no such things as dragons. So I do what I can.

EDIT: forty minutes have passed. I have eaten way, way too much yogurt. I actually feel sick. The transcendent clarity of this metaphor is astounding.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
08:57 p.m.


When there is nothing left to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
02:00 a.m.

God almighty that was a bad, bad burn. I feel like Charles Morgan when he held his thumb in the candle so as not to think about the witch. My massive blister from grabbing the oven rack... is perhaps enough to make me stop chasing dragons. Maybe maybe maybe but. I'm rehearsing my speech. I know what I know. It's very hard not to hope. I'm fourteen again, drowning; I'm seventeen sitting on the edge of the world in DHS at Ghim Moh saying come here, to someone who is already as here as they could ever be.

Time to go to bed. And tomorrow I will figure out a way to fix the mess I made tonight. There is only one thing. This is why I drink.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
02:00 a.m.


It's very cold out there.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
03:21 a.m.

It could just be the bassline that made me close my eyes,
open up my mind,
would you come back with me tonight?
It's not the first time that we've been on our own?
So I'll hold you close, and never let you go.

Been listening to this song almost on loop. I like it, something about her voice enchants me.

Tooth is fucking killing me. Hope it goes away tomorrow. Can't really go to the dentist 'cause my whole mouth is fairly mangled. Not a happy bunny. Plus thinking about dragons again.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
03:21 a.m.


merely engineering the accidental.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
08:07 p.m.

Unlucky dress but lucky lucky life.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
08:07 p.m.


And the day it ends, and the day it,
and the day it ends, and there's no need for me.

Saturday, September 22, 2012
03:19 a.m.

"I'm wearing these clothes. I mean... Have you ever had unlucky clothes? This dress that you like? Good things have not happened to me in this dress. But I saw it tonight and I said, I'm gonna give you one more chance. And I refuse to be let down by this dress again."

- Claire, Elizabethtown.

Lying on K and C's sofabed listening to Con Solo Una Sonrisa for the first time since Barca, thinking about life with the river flowing past my feet. Writing html on my phone. Electric Frog tomorrow. Becoming one of those people who waits for weekends, which I detest. Still. Come on, dress. We can do this.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
03:19 a.m.


Playing catchup.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
11:22 p.m.

Today I have the flu, had a pretty frustrating meeting with PSYBT, and cut a large slice off my thumb with the really sharp potato peeler. Plans for this weekend are looking less and less tenable... and nobody is replying to text messages. Perhaps this is the paranoid comedown that never came.

My thumb really hurts.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
11:22 p.m.


Bring on the wonder, bring on the song,
I've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012
02:09 a.m.

This weekend. (tl;dr)

Friday went round Lou's with Oj to do some work, then we went into town on a whim and ended up playing pool till eight. Had more drinks at mine. Put Lou to bed, checked out a party in Lansdowne crescent with Oj, and when we went back to mine (long story short) we ended up rolling on my hall floor defending the Federation from the Romulans. This is your hand. This is my hand. Crazy days. The voicemails I left myself from the landline were amazing. We staggered up to Bank street, I waited the hour out and then (I'm a trooper) went with Katy and Christin to Chambre, saw Kris Wadsworth. I like the shape of the place. I had fun, but the sound system wasn't amazing. We walked miles looking for a party but wound up in a flat on Wallace st. Singing harmony to Save Tonight and Always, sitting on the floor glowing like an ember.

Went back to K and C's beautiful flat looking over the river, we sat in duvets on the living room floor and turned on the fire. Then I slept eleven hours on the sofa bed and woke up like I was on holiday. I'd left my phone at Lou's too. So went back there after tea and a banana with C, watched some TV on the sofa and a (terrible) film. Showered, and went out again

to Henrik Schwarz. Katy's disappointment on Friday meant we'd decided to just do it all again. I was late there but K kept me company in the queue. Subbie was packed, I had the best time. Never been in such a hot place, though, man. Met nice people. The music was incredibly good. We went back to Bank st after, fetched stuff and clean clothes in a bag from mine with Fraz and Dutchie and then went to a party on West Princes' st. Katy went home. I taught Stroud some Chinese words. Weird place. But was fun 'cause we were all there together. Stevo tried to fix my bad shoulder 'cause it was killing me, but I fled after a little. Eventually we all walked back him to Bank st 'cause he was mashed.

At ten most people went to get carryouts. I got a little sleep. S and T have a remarkably nice flat and a bizarrely clean bathroom. Later we half-watched a documentary about lions and lots of xfactor with T and Ally and Iain and a girl called Fiona. Ally has a group called Mixed Race Massive, which made me laugh for about ten minutes. Burritos for dinner from Taco Mazana, just sitting around in shorts and stolen hoodie and duvets on the sofa. Happy.

On the way home from Byres rd I reached the turnoff for Bank st at 2152 and thought, I can go home now or I can grab a couple of beers aaaaand. So I did the latter and went up the Bank St where everyone had gone mad for Richard's birthday. Ben did his seal laugh for literally half and hour at a time. Sandy and Oj cornered me in a room and made fun of me for a good while. Eventually I went to sleep in Oj's room curled up on my favourite beanbag under a duvet with all the crazy people littered around the room. They'd started building a fort but I think it all got too difficult... Got stood on a few times in the night but I got up for uni feeling pretty pleased with myself. Had coffee with K and a good long chat to round off the weekend.


All in all. Pretty perfect. And I learnt a few new words myself.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
02:09 a.m.


leaving isn't quite the same, she said to me,
as running away.

Thursday, September 13, 2012
04:44 a.m.

Nothing clever or witty. Just, I listened this this and cried and cried and cried.

So don't say goodbye unless you mean it,
but you don't need to say it twice.
I'll try my best to just believe it, though I'm not ready to pay the price.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
04:44 a.m.


Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else?

Friday, September 7, 2012
12:40 p.m.


On the walk home from Ibrox, Sunday morning, the weekend that began with Lone on the 17th. It's odd but in this Summer I have learnt a lot about who I am, and who I love, and what I want.

and when I arrive I won't know anyone.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, September 7, 2012
12:40 p.m.


Flamingo, no traveller's palms.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
09:13 p.m.

Went for a run in the rain.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
09:13 p.m.


twenty-five words.
Friday, August 31, 2012
05:28 p.m.

One two three four Five. Six seven. Eight nine... ten. Eleven twelve... thirteen fourteen. Then fifteen sixteen seventeen. And then eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two. Twenty-three twenty-four. Twenty-five, twenty-five twenty-four.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, August 31, 2012
05:28 p.m.


just one of those late-model children,
waiting for the king.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012
04:56 a.m.

You look into her eyes, and it's more than your heart will allow.
In August and everything after, you get a little less than you expected somehow.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
04:56 a.m.


slow like honey.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
03:27 a.m.

My whole life the groups I have been part of have only thought of me as a part. CAP, drama, 4A: I always got invited when everyone else was invited, but nobody thought of me personally. At least. That's what I started to think. Of course there's been a couple of people (almost literally a couple of people) on whom I rely endlessly, and who will be there forever, and always have been. But I've never been part of a group, not really.

Well Oj and Nick just brought down this statue of buddha and fished a piece of paper out from inside it. They told me a story about being wasted about four years ago and deciding to meet up in the future with the people who made us grow up the way we have, the way we will. It's the Nepal Pact. And in 2061, we're meeting up. There's about 20 of them. And they 'cordially requested' that I sign it. I'm on the poster that John made for the kitchen of Bank Street. And I'm part of the Biblo Famiglia. These guys, and Kate, and I, are embarking on a huge adventure, massive endeavour together. And never have I ever felt so safe, and wanted, and part of something. At three in the morning, typing up the proposed future changes to our business, I feel like people need me. Need me for me. And I don't have to bring food, or bring money, or be funny, or try hard. They like me. Even when they're sober.

No matter what else happens. This has been an incredible summer.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
03:27 a.m.


I've said I'm sorry by now at least once to just about everyone.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
12:30 a.m.

And you look around, don't you, and you think "is this what it is? Everyone else seems to think it's this, so that's what I'll do, I'll get a job and a house and the right shoes and I'll, you know, because this could be it" and Iím not saying it isn't those things are great and I hate it when people are all critical and everything because we all wear

Shoes

for Christ's sake, so, you know, but

sometimes I'm left
wondering
and I wonder if others are as
confused
and are also left wondering and maybe there is this entire planet of people wondering but pretending that we know exactly what we are doing and that we fit in perfectly that weíre not scared or confused or
lonely

or anything like that.

-Dennis Kelly

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
12:30 a.m.


I watched this and all I could think of was being in the Botanic Gardens again.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
10:03 p.m.

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
10:03 p.m.


Do you, do you, do you want to dance?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
09:12 a.m.

placeholdertextYou can't be called a dancer if you give up.

-Nigel Lythgoe.


Study.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
09:12 a.m.


how?
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
01:29 p.m.

My sugar sweet is so attainable
This behaviour so unexplainable
The days just slip and slide, like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget

Help me get down,
I can make it
Help me get down,
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down, I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer,
I wouldn't be bothering you, Father.

And if all of our days are numbered,
then why do I keep counting?

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
01:29 p.m.


I took your hand while you decided what to do
The only kiss, I ever miss, I shared with you.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012
02:31 a.m.

I look at my hands and the raingutter cuts. And I think about fish, about swimming against the current. And I think about all the times I say goodbye and mean it.

Agent Booth says people make a mark on each other that should require time to fade away. Perhaps I am insecure about not leaving a mark. Perhaps that explains jealousy and insecurity and drunk overreactions.

And, work; well. You only question good times ending, I suppose, and never ask why the bad times cease. I feel like I caught the tail end of an era.

Some things you need scars to remember but others, I guess, you don't.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
02:31 a.m.


he held the flame I wasn't born to carry,
I'll leave the dying young stuff up to you.

Monday, July 30, 2012
11:54 p.m.

All right, I can say what you want me to.
All right, I can do all the things you do for me.
All right, I'll make it all up for you:
I'm still in love with you, I'm still in love with you.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, July 30, 2012
11:54 p.m.


driving through the night, losing all the lights,
hiding in the stars above.

Sunday, July 29, 2012
01:24 p.m.

Mother has just officially objected to my bikini. She says, and she is not usually prudish about my clothing, that I'm wearing 'just a wish and a prayer'. Oh well.

Last night while parents were on Sentosa at a wedding I drove to Sam's, dropped off some stuff, then drove all the way to Rochester, had a hot chocolate and read Neverwhere outside till they turned off the lights. Then drove home. Enjoyed it thoroughly- felt awfully calm and independent. It was brilliant. I really want a car. And money for insurance. Hahahahaha. Yeah. Funny. I really need to start being more careful with my money.

Been drinking too much. Was out with Sam on Friday, where we met up with Michael Allen and (new person) Ethan and sat on the bridge in Clark Quay with bottles of Q from 7-11, like teenagers. It was funny and inadvisable. Before that I was out with Sam's family which was an experience entirely unto itself.

Sophie sent me a parcel containing notes from her, Kate and Lou (whose was written on a paper bag from the shop for a 'real feel of home'), a chocolate bar, a mix CD and a drawing of a flamingo. All beautifully enveloped and doodled on. Pretty fucking awesome - linked for posterity. I love them.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
01:24 p.m.



Thursday, July 26, 2012
05:58 p.m.

It fucks my head up when you don't talk to me.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
05:58 p.m.


I tie my hands up to the chair so I don't fall that way.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
01:20 a.m.

I don't believe in destiny. I got ten hours sleep last night because I decided to go to bed early, ditching my work and ignoring the cats. I managed to get the photocopier to work because I've learnt how to use the troubleshoot function since that bio teacher showed me how to clear the disposals tray. I had a good lunch 'cause I decided to go downstairs with Yiren when he asked. My lit student improved satisfyingly 'cause she's smart and I spent a lot of time explaining to her. The LTA waived the fine because I wrote a persuasive letter and anyway they fined me for something retarded, in a sneaky way.

And I spent time with you because I decided to. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to spent time with you. It's not fate that we've ended up like this. It's a series of good and bad decisions and we've grown up out of them this way. Surely what you said today. That comes from what you want and what you aim for and what you try to achieve. I can't believe that you feel that way because you're destined to. But that's just me.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
01:20 a.m.


give me something I can dance to.
Friday, July 13, 2012
01:41 a.m.

I turn up the sound so you don't hear the fear on my breath. I know you can't look at me in case we're both dead.

I'm really quite unacceptable when I'm sleepy.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, July 13, 2012
01:41 a.m.


Yeeah yeeah yeeeah yeeeaahh.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
04:55 a.m.

For some reason have come home at four thirty in the morning this stuck in my head.

Had a good night. Dancing. I love to dance. I realise all the other things are superficial now. Happier now than I have been since I left Glasgow.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
04:55 a.m.


eight days a week.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
07:03 p.m.

ak kae ogyksdy. alf soglwtls tm dutmk, vwz ksefgwe gkqdd s wjvg gykddah, yfal wweql lwjh kdjay, yfau fsvzla okqmy, yfa nszwd hgwh qmtw ekcfa jvvfs ckswe wjwzoe'aegjx.a eswl sjwh kwvjg xswuf svvf sswu fs zuglpsdwj .lm tlsz owzlddwz. kazlka wjghsy fak. al k mjlgfw-gf, vf safgv'l wcad wdhgwhzy m gfwglwc sek vfwajx. f aw egk kqsoal gffsu las ojg xlk myms.

Obviously this is really just for me.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
07:03 p.m.


see the man who almost died for your meal.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
02:41 a.m.

A nice weekend, dropping the stats bomb notwithstanding. Friday night I went to a company function with my dad. He was dressed as a Shanghai gangster. I will find photos, because it was hilarious. Thursday Kyle came home. Went round after dinner with Jun Bryan Lindis and Girlfriend (name I forget). Japanese at SAM, then glasses of riesling at Brotzeit.

Today Oj skyped me from the Lightbody's and I spoke to Steph and John and it was lovely. I miss my new friends very much. John and I have been talking, I think it's a shame I won't get to know him better. Claire, too. Nick was asleep in the corner, they were all wasted, and I felt like I was there. Then this evening, Culmiatio. I was impressed. But the group doing Find Me reminded me so much of TIGHT. I got all nostalgic, I miss my group. I drove there, so brought Ken, Andrew, Pris and Johanna to Holland V for food, got a bit sentimental in Breko's, where we ended up. Then drove Johanna home to Bishan without getting lost! We bonded, I didn't use to like her much but I think we've more in common that I expected. It was a great evening, actually.

Side note, Ronni Ancona is startlingly pretty really. Night night.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
02:41 a.m.


But I couldn't take it anymore so I left.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
04:41 p.m.

All the people on the street, I hate you all.
And the people that I meet, I hate you all.
And the people that I know, I hate you all.
And the people that I don't, I hate you all.
And the people in the east, I hate you all.
And the people I hate least, I hate you all.
And the people in the west, I hate you all.
And the people I like best, I hate you all.
Oh, I, hate, you all.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
04:41 p.m.


I suppose there's a reason I never speak to any of the others.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
12:20 p.m.

Irrationally feel left out. Shouldn't have expected anything, really. Hope it was fun. Hope you fall and break your neck. Can those go on a continuum? I don't know. I'm trying so hard to be bigger and unperturbable, to be a calm surface because I'm well off, I'm happy, I'm okay, so I should be understanding. Frankly, though, I'm sick of your drama, I'm sick of your lies, I'm sick of your shit. They're right, you're like this over everyone. I should stop feeling like it's my fault.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
12:20 p.m.


ITALY. (and some extra bits.)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
01:10 a.m.

Hamish's sailing week: Monday night g&t's with Oj, Steph, the Lightbody's and new friend Ben. Crashed there and watched Burn After Reading. Tuesday went the the Boat afterparty with three guys I... didn't really know. Met Chris (Arlett) there and made new friends Rory and Leanne, went home with them (ikr.) Went back to the Lightbodys', slept on the roof wrapped in blankets as the sun came up. Thursday cleaned the house and saw Avengers for second time with Kate. Friday work, H came back.

Italy (tl;dr)

Monday.
Plane! Taxi came at five fifteen in the morning. We woke up at five. Flew through Stansted and I worried we would miss our connection. But we didn't. And the woman made me take off my tiny, impossible-to-contain-a-bomb bracelet. We landed at 1220 and Gabriella picked us up from airport. She drove us home in no lane in particular and spoke Spanish to H. We had tortellini for lunch, that Maria made, and they were so excellent you cannot believe. Ate and ate and ate.
Gabri went to have her afternoon rest, so we unpacked our stuff and I put on shorts and we went to the lake. Scared all the ducks off, lay in the sun, and had a nap. Was hard to believe I was actually there. Woke up because I thought an ant had crawled into my ear. Freaked out at H but he was dead to the world, so I started taking pictures of these two terrapins sitting identically on a floating bit of wood. Eventually he woke up, I walked out into the lake, took some more pictures; it was getting chilly so we went back to the main house and we went with Gabri to pick up apricots and cherries from the neighbours' orchard. The cherries were especially good. Then I drove the car (or rather, the vintage VW beetle coupe) around the lake a couple times, H tried it as well. Fun. Even sans left wing mirror...
Gabri took us out for pizza about as thick as cartridge paper and when we got home H and I watched 500 Days of Summer, during which I fell asleep.

Tuesday.
Woke up fairly late and had breakfast (caffe latte, because we were in Italy), went over to Gabri's and it turned out there had been major earthquakes north of Bologna. Watched the coverage with Gabri for a while, think we felt one of the aftershocks but it was hard to tell- very mild where we were. We went into Bologna and ate expensive piadine, walked around, saw the seven churches of Santo Stefano, all built one on top of the other. And the two leaning towers of Bologna. Bought earrings and walked down a line of people lying on the ground in support of the Voluntary Civil Service. Made it to the Piazza Nettuno with the strange porny statue. Gabri's longtime friend Anton had offered to take us out for dinner so we called him up, but he and his wife were driving to Ravenna because she was fairly freaked out about the earthquakes. So we went back to Castel S Pietro Terme and had dinner with Gabri- Maria made this wet roast beef thing which was incredibly tender and marvellous.

We went for a walk pretty late, went down through the vineyards in the dark. The stars were lovely. We went between the rows of vines which freaked me the fuck out, but then we saw a couple of fireflies- not many, but it was beautiful. We tried to chase them. Went to bed happy.

Wednesday.
Got up early and I drove to the station. Turned out we'd gotten the train times mixed up and because not all the trains were running due to the earthquakes we were gonna have trouble getting to Ravenna. In the end we drove back to the house and Gabri drove us there instead. So we wandered round Ravenna, where the buildings are identical to those in Assassin's Creed, and into a couple of churches. Went to the museum because there were signs up for an exhibition that purported to have stuff by Caravaggio (who I love) in it, but it turned out to be fairly mediocre with ONE Caravaggio in its entirety. Gave up and went to the station, where we caught the bus to Punto Marina di Ravenna.
We got off too early (H's fault) and trudged through sand for ages to find a spot which wasn't covered in pay-to-rent sunbeds. We lay on a giant towel and I read Artemis Fowl aloud because H reads too slowly for us to read together, haha. Had a swim in the seaweedy sea. We'd been to a wetmarket-like complex first thing in Ravenna and bought pannini (prosciutto di San Daniele for H, salami for me), as well as fior di latte mozzarella, olives, and artichokes which we demolished. Kept some olives and two tiny cacciatorini salami, and ate them on the beach with our giant bottle of orange San Pel.
We walked the long way onwards to the Marina in the evening and had planned on having seafood for dinner, but it looked like a dead old mafia town and freaked me out somewhat. H too, so we looked for the bus back to Ravenna station-- just as well, because we caught the last one. And then the last train. It was a fairly long ride, we sat upstairs and read Artemis together. There had been some on-off-on-off re: whether we would be eating at home, but I called up saying we'd like just some brodo and pasta or something, and I could cook it would be no trouble. But we got home and dinner was all set up in the kitchen of our place- table set, brodo on the stove, just had to add the pasta. I told Maria it was come un Hotel di sette stelle. Lapo was chasing a toad in the driveway, he's a huge funny idiot.
Chair rhymes with hair.

Thursday.
We went to Imola with Gabriella to see the market. Turned out to be a bit shite. Still I bought a blouse and a skirt from a chinese person. Chatted with the woman a bit, later asked of course if 买两个有折扣吗?. We went into all the pastry shops. Ate a lot of pastry. Took photos on the steps of a church with turtles carved into the bases of the lamp posts. Went to lunch with Gabriella and won the Pay The Bill battle by means of sneakiness! Ate lots. On the way back we stopped at a cafe place and had two odd (but good) coffees and collected this massive fruit tart that Gabri had ordered for us.
H wasn't feeling too well and slept for a few hours. I skyped my mom for ages. Maria and Gabriella continued their war on the field mice that are invading the kitchen- every half hour or so there would be a scratching under the cupboard, and Gabri would yell MARIA C'E IL TOPO! And then Maria would come up and they would argue about the mice. It was brilliant comedy. At some point went to get more apricots and cherries. This time the apricots stole the show, I ate a whole load while on skype. Woke H up, had dinner (meatballs!) and then went back to the house. Ate a large portion of the tart, s, and watched the King's Speech.

Friday.
Got up fairly early, went to Lugo with Gabriella to buy food and things to bring home. Bought a whole salami and slabs of montasio for parents + aunts. Packed, took too long, ate in a hurry (Maria's tagliatelle, shame to rush them). Gabri took us to the station, we caught the train to Bologna then the bus to the airport. Killed some time in Paris with coffee and contemplating the long walk to Mcdonalds. We bought loads of pick'n'mix and went on a massive sugar trip, laughing like crazy at the ones that tasted like soap and the people outside who couldn't walk in straight lines. It was funny at the time. And then sugar crash. Arrived at Prestwick really late, then it cost us EIGHTEEN QUID to take the bus to the Central. I was fuming. Costs less to take a cab to Glasgow. Went to bed exhausted but very cuddled up and happy. Everything I could have hoped for.

Saturday I had work in the afternoon. It was okay except I smashed my nose into the corner of the bookshelf with great force and caused lots of pain. H brought me sushi, which I ate with coffee stirrers. We had steak for dinner, then I went to Kate and Sophie's housewarming dressed as a shrubbery. Yes. Wore my desigual dress with the leaves on it, a hairband with mint leaves tied to it, and various leaf-themed items of jewellery. And I gave them our parsley and basil plants (named Sparsely and Pestle) as a housewarming/I'm Going Away gift. We dranks lots and I brought loads of dessert so we ate loads of dessert. Hattie and I invented a cocktail called the Minty Caesar (like a mojito but made with grappa). Then me, the girls, Lou and Lizzie went to Buff Club where Liz and I scored free passes for us all.

Sunday night after work and packing in a hurry H and Sophie and I went out with Oj and the gang for a last time to Subbie where we Fucking. Partied. Ended up at 3 Uni Ave for another few hours till the sun came up. At some point H and I walked home to get more wine, and chocolate. Unanimously decided to walk down the middle of Gibson street, which was deserted. Then danced till about eight and walked home, slept for a few hours, went to the airport, came home.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
01:10 a.m.



Sunday, May 27, 2012
12:28 p.m.

"

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
12:28 p.m.


Go now, you are forgiven,
go now, you are forgiven
go now, you are forgiven, ohhh.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012
06:35 p.m.

I have seen the others, and I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting.
And I've seen their mothers,
and I will no other to go where I am going.

So take a shower, shine your shoes,
You've got no time to lose.
You are young men you must be living,
Go now you are forgiven.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
06:35 p.m.


I'm going away soon.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
01:03 a.m.

So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms? What happened to feelin' cheap radio songs?
What happened to thinking the world was flat?
What happened,
Yeah what happened to that?

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
01:03 a.m.


I was living in a devil town
didn't know it was a devil town
oh, it really brings me down about the devil tow

Tuesday, March 20, 2012
01:41 a.m.

So last weekend: London. Stayed with Kyle and Samsam came down from Leamington Spa (posh) for a couple days too. tl;dr.

I took the train down after English class on Thursday evening- got in at like 2340. Train was awesome and it turned out I was on the same one as Kate McBain, who was dressed up all sharp going down south because (digression) Descarga were performing for the Queen (no shit). Read, slept, played flash games. Kyle lives one stop from Euston which is nice. First thing I saw when I got out was a man peeing in the corner, which made me think, okay, just like home then. Well not home. You know what I mean. Just hung out and talked in Kyle's room. He'd borrowed an airbed from a friend so I could sleep in the proper bed, but there wasn't enough square footage for it, the real bed and his desk so it was kinda squashed and every time he moved in the night we both woke up at the noise. I do a very good impression of an airbed-being-squashed noise by the way.

Friday we had Thai for lunch and then I walked some of the way to class with Kyle, because Sam missed her train because someone was hogging the shower. I quote. Anyway then we met up at Baker St station and ran around the various levels yelling on the phone to try and find each other. Hugged her for about a year. We went to meet the friend she was staying with, who'd just finished her exams and was out for a drink with her coursemates. Charvi was pretty cool and we had a nice long chat over a pint (I know, right.) and then she took Sam's stuff home so we could go meet Kyle and Nad for dinner. As decided by Sam, lobster noodles near Paddington. We pick Nad up from the tube and walk forever to get there, beside a really nice canal with, uh, waterbirds I surprisingly knew the name of but now can't call to mind. Turns out the restaurant is this super atas looking posh place. We panic and worry that the dishes will all be tiny and cost a fortune, because the photography in the menu was all depth-of-focus arsty (makes sense okay) but they were actually okay, and the food was great. But expensive. Sam and I ordered and were therefore pretty damn pleased with ourselves. After that Nad went home, and Kyle, Sam and I went to the Comedy Store which was seriously awesome. Had a few drinks and laughed till we cried. Smacked Kyle a couple of times and booed with Sam when one of the comedians suggested girls were shit at Street Fighter. Found Sam's bus stop, waited with her, went home. Getting woken up in the night by the airbed noises made me smile, to be honest, even though by then I was pretty shattered. A good day.

We were supposed to meet Sam at noon at Camden Town on Saturday but we woke up at about ten to. So I called her apologised and we met her there for one. We ate food from random stalls, Mexican food and pizza and doughnuts and curry and. Sam and I tried liquid nitrogen icecream which was seriously epic. Made with Valrhona , which everyone knows is my favourite chocolate. Wandered for ages, lost Kyle, bought, in the course of the day, a bag with butterflies on it, a dress with owls on it, Kirstin Dunst's hat from Elizabethtown, a crazy embroidered scarf for my mom and two tiny silver spoons. Probably some other things too. Sam and I talked for ages about everything and it was properly wonderful. I miss her so much, all the time. Walked her to the train. Kyle and I couldn't be fussed with dinner after all the food during the day so we bought Subway and brought it back to his room. Major moment of deja vu in the Subway- I remembered not only dreaming it but telling Lian about the dream. Kyle said, glitch in the matrix! look for the brick wall! And the interior decor of the shop was fake brick. Laughed and laughed, and watched in case a cat walked past the door. Happy. We were going to go clubbing but his friends ditched, so we. Stayed in and did some work. Seriously, man. Wtf? Budged up and tried to sleep on the real bed, which was a feat and a half.

On Sunday we had Indian for lunch with his friend Malcolm (about whom I have heard endlessly) and went to the Natural History Museum, which was far away (not really but these Londoners are lazy) and totally worth it. Awesome dinosaur bones. And a model of a whale so large it was a landmark. I thought, as I often do, that designing museum exhibits must be an awesome job. After the museum we walked through South Kensington and Hyde Park, since it was too lovely an evening to get straight back on the tube. Tried to call Nad who had been rowing the previous day to get her to come have dinner but no luck, so we went and had roast pork, a whole duck and some token green veg. Man. So much food, so much loveliness. Went home with K, crashed. Or did work. I don't remember.

Monday morning Kyle had class so I went for breakfast/lunch on my own at Pret a Manger- which I've never been to in Glasgow- who make lovely coffee. Had a sandwich and soup and K came to sit with me between classes, then I just went for a wander. Got a couple of photos from Camden developed, bought a card and some various bits and bobs. Had more coffee (it's so long since I really wanted coffee, instead of having it because it's there before I even decide I want it) and walked wherever there was sun. Caught up with K and his friend, went home and started watching Forrest Gump- my pick. It's been stuck in my head since I got the OCMS album and started listening to Big Time in the Jungle. Stopped halfway for K to take me to a really nice Italian dinner just down the road. Came back, watched the end, went to the station... and missed my train. Seriously. K booked another one, and then we woke up way too early for it. So slept again.... and the alarm didn't go off. But caught the early morning train in, and grabbed a cab from the station, dumped my things at home and then carried on into class to make my presentation on the biological basis for and the brain areas involved in synaethesia. Yay! Morning train meant I could get Krispy Kremes for Lou, which were very much appreciated. Hamish and I were up late watching TV on my computer and then I went to sleep and didn't wake up till about one oclock the next day. But what a fabulous fucking weekend, man.


Camden. The love I have for these two could level mountains.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
01:41 a.m.


I'm chasing after you, steadily losing ground,
I don't wanna forget so I'm writing it down.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012
12:21 p.m.

Not to freak anybody out, or anything, although I am: why haven't I seen this before? What the hell?

In a histological re-examination and re-classification of a series of 1,678 tumors of the parotid gland 37 (2.2%) exhibited the structures characteristic of acinic cell carcinoma. A long-term follow-up study showed that the prognosis quoad vitam in this type of tumor is poorer than previously has been inferred from short-term follow-ups. Thus the determinate survival rate fell from 89% at 5-year follow-up to 56% after 20-year follow-up.
- Eneroth, C-M., Jakobsson, P Ň. & Blanck, C. 'Acinic Cell Carcinoma of the Parotid Gland', Cancer Vol 19, Issue 12. 1966

"5 year survival 90%, 20 year survival 60%".
I didn't know who to tell this, as I panic somewhat in the stat lab. So I'm writing it down.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
12:21 p.m.


So it's been said before, I guess.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
08:18 p.m.

I am not someone who makes things. I appear to be someone who breaks things.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
08:18 p.m.


because I always check to see mine's gone right, then I look at yours.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
06:28 p.m.

I hate falling in love because you fall out of it. It makes me so fucking spiteful. It makes me feel so ill. It makes me want bad things to happen to people that I suddenly hate. And against my better judgement: you were very fucking careful about handing it to me. Don't start revising history now.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
06:28 p.m.


War Cry
Thursday, January 19, 2012
06:21 p.m.

I am at the stage* where I recognise a rejection email from the bit of it that pops up in gmail notifier. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm tired of asking, because it's just depressing. This used to be the only thing I was good at. If I'm not worth much as an actor then I'm probably worth very little at all. And I thought this one went really well. I genuinely did.


*(stage, ha ha)

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
06:21 p.m.



Saturday, January 14, 2012
01:29 p.m.

Dear Internet,
Just dropping by to say, I'm sitting in the kitchen drinking gloopy banana milk, trying not to freak the fuck out about mystery cramps and Abdominal Not-Cool behaviour. Irrational fears of being pregnant with dead baby are rife. Or chest bursters. Please help.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
01:29 p.m.



Thursday, January 12, 2012
11:43 a.m.

I was happy for a while. Let me go back to that. Let me go back to that.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
11:43 a.m.


I need you to know today,
I'll wait for you always.

Friday, January 6, 2012
04:33 p.m.

Something you said, it sits in my head:
it's been there too long, it's killing me slow.
It's rolling around, it's pushing me down,
it's keeping the good part of me closed.

Can't you see? that when I find you, I find me?

my only weakness is knowing your secrets, holding them close
I'm holding them tight.
I know the way to silently make you
smile with my eyes when you're trying to fight.

Can't you see? When I find you, I find me.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, January 6, 2012
04:33 p.m.


il giorno poi del tuo ritorno.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
06:36 p.m.

There is no prize for doing the right thing and not the thing you want to do. Conscience is a bugger. As is morality. As is humanity's inability to teleport or make really cheap long-distance bullet trains.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
06:36 p.m.


and you loved sunset strip when it sparkled,
Monday, December 5, 2011
05:54 p.m.

And these nights I get high just from breathing,
when I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real,
like that firework over the freeway.
I could stay here all day.

No harm trying. Nothing scares me more than trying. And sharks in the pool.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
05:54 p.m.


Endodontic therapy.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
06:30 p.m.

Although the procedure is relatively painless when done properly , the root canal remains a stereotypically fearsome dental operation, and, in the United States, a common response to an unpleasant proposal is, "I'd rather have a root canal."

So yesterday I had the first half of a root canal. My tooth on the top right had been hurting. I managed twice to miss my appointment at the dentist, possibly because of some subconscious fear response. But I finally went yesterday - ten minutes late - and met Dave. Dave's my dental surgeon, and really very fit with kind tawny eyes. Kind is important when someone is gonna put needles in your mouth. He shook my hand, told me my teeth weren't anywhere near as bad as I thought they were. Kind is also the best type of good-looking, because you don't want to be thinking, this arrogant but sexy man is completely judging me for my awful teeth.

That aside, he was very good at that narration thing: giving you just the right amount of information so you know roughly what's going on and that, yes it's supposed to feel that weird, but not so much that you freak out thinking, you're going to do WHAT? A kind of spoken hand-holding. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but I came out very wobbly. Today, however, it is exceedingly sore.

Last night I went to salsa class before the anaesthetic had worn off and half my face was still a bit numb. Felt pretty weird- couldn't smile properly and my smile was lopsided. Fun. Even better, however, was taking am unsuspecting drink of water from my bottle and spilling it all down my front as though, as Hamish would say, I were a bit spesh. Had to get a straw. Fun, fun, fun. And I go back on the fifteenth for the second half. Can't wait!

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
06:30 p.m.


I want Ryan Woodward to draw me, too.
Friday, November 18, 2011
11:47 p.m.

Farewell, so long 'cause,
I was wrong, I guess.
Farewell, so long, 'cause
I was wrong, I confess.

I miss the way you,
I miss the way you danced with me.
I miss the way you, I miss the way you sing with me.

I never asked you for a sailboat in the yard,
that fancy dress to wear,
the ceiling made of stars.

All I got was just this broken heart from you.

By the way, I've bought you a book of crosswords. Not even kidding.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
11:47 p.m.



Friday, November 11, 2011
02:06 a.m.

Feel like I've lost everything. This isn't how I want things to be. I want to be angry, I still am angry, but a huge part of me just wants to go over and make up, because this is too horrible and disproportionate a fallout. But I can't. More importantly I shouldn't. I mustn't. Got to carry on feeling like a disaster area. Walk home alone and cry like an idiot.

Edit: I'm glad you asked. Don't think I could have said yes, but thank you anyway.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, November 11, 2011
02:06 a.m.


con dinero y pasmado
Thursday, November 10, 2011
02:41 p.m.

You can give everything you've got, make something an absolute priority, get up early in the morning to help run errands and open stalls, and still you're not important enough.
I wouldn't care so much, but I never get asked to perform. Except this time, and that's gone all to hell, and the only reason I got asked at all was that it wasn't the usual people organising it. Really bothering me, even though I know it shouldn't. You can't MAKE people like you.

This all being said: S just phoned me to make sure I didn't take offense at what he said the other day. I didn't take offense. It just hurt.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
02:41 p.m.


poteva andare meglio, puo' darsi.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
12:40 p.m.

Perchť mi mancha il fiato, perchť ti cerco ancora, non so come, ma come ci sarŠ.

I think every time I'm happy, I have to pay for it. Sat out of reggaeton today. Got there late and found I just didn't have the energy. I'm in desperate need of a fresh start. But life isn't like that: nothing short of a traumatic injury that fucks up declarative memory is going to do that. The mitigating factor of such an injury, however, would be that I could still keep dancing and getting better at it, since muscle memory skill functions are non-declarative. And I would never remember the people I danced with.

I fell asleep in the library yesterday. This week has vanished under work. I don't have time to be upset but I am so blindingly angry it distracts me from sleeping. I'm beyond knowing what I'm paying for. I hate people. I hate the ways they think of to destroy you. I hate people, and if I could live in a cave with cats I would. You need other people to dance and to act, so clearly I should never have bothered with either. What a waste of time.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
12:40 p.m.


tremble little lion man, you'll never settle any of your scores.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
06:57 p.m.

Things I hate:
Things you can't undo. Things you can't change. Things you can't take back. Things that can't happen. Things that are not your fault. Things that you think you know. Decisions that look easy. Answers that don't make sense. Questions without answers at all. Songs that make you feel more. The internet.

Irrelevantly: people who don't indicate at roundabouts, banks that shut at quarter to, and women who order extra-hot skinny lattes.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
06:57 p.m.


everything that I said I'd do, like I'd make the world brand new.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
05:13 p.m.

Woke up, and wished that I was dead,
with an aching in my head,
lay motionless in bed.
Thought of you, and where you'd gone.
Let the world spin madly on.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
05:13 p.m.


just damage control for a walking corpse
like me, like you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011
10:58 a.m.

Bad news, baby I'm bad news, I'm just bad news bad news bad news.

Still haven't figured out what that song means. What are portions for foxes? Why's that what we'll all be?

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
10:58 a.m.


not swallowed in the sea.
Monday, October 17, 2011
03:28 p.m.

I know that I've been wrong but I'm too tired of being guilty. I don't know how to start talking again.

one thing after another.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, October 17, 2011
03:28 p.m.


maybe it's because when you start a new relationship they haven't had time to hate you yet.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
02:16 p.m.

The creeping certainty that I'm a horrible person, that I sleep with people and forget them, that I put myself first, that I take advantage of people because I am pretty, that this is all a mistake, all of it, everything I do and say and try to be and look like, because I can tell when text goes backwards, and how dare you, how dare you pretend to care, and how I hate you when I wake up in the morning and can't get out of bed and I wonder what you're thinking and I shouldn't because I don't get to know, so write about not writing about me. And write essays, I'm sorry to interrupt, what do I do to fix you and me? What do I do? I don't know what any of you want and I don't know how to find out, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. There is no hard reset button. I feel so guilty all the time and it wears me into the ground.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
02:16 p.m.


Just like when you have fallen, I will be there when you rise.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
01:00 a.m.

Walking home as slowly as possible to put off the inevitable moment of being alone.

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to keep needing picked up. I'm running out of people to sob at, whose floors I can sit on and read, whose attention I can hold, whose lives I can trespass on in order to feel like I'm a part of something.

Other people are happy. Why can't I find that? What's wrong with me?

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
01:00 a.m.


Broca and Wernicke type aphasia
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
07:16 p.m.

I was going under and you saved me
Now I owe it all to you.
I was going under and you saved me,
My bitter sweet, my bitter blue.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
07:16 p.m.


the hill that gets steeper every morning.
Monday, October 10, 2011
12:48 p.m.

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song.
You can't believe it- you were always singing along.
It was so easy, and the words so sweet...
You can't remember. You try to move your feet.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, October 10, 2011
12:48 p.m.


daylight fading, go on- waste another year.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
8:37 p.m.

I feel quite depressed, today, even though I'm only listening to the happy songs. I think it's the weather.

On the subway today, or rather on the escalator , this man on the up started yelling at this girl on the down, saying, Just because your parents are rich doesn't mean you're a better person-- richness comes from inside, not from your inheritance! She quite rightly just stopped at the bottom of the escalator and stared at him. Admittedly she was quite an irritating "and they were all like *hand gesture*, and I was all like, no," type and possible had done something to deserve it. She sat opposite me on the train.

Or maybe it's not the weather. Maybe it's that Godma is dying, and I can't go home to say goodbye, assuming I even knew what to day. And Gabriella is dying, and I never really made friends with her even though I love her to pieces, and now I feel like if I go over there I'm just an imposition, and there's no way to prove that I want to see her, I'm not just going because she's sick. She is the best person I know, and she is so ill and so in pain and pretending that she isn't. How is that fair? Why does this happen? And Spartaco is dying, and Zia Marcellina is going mad, and it's making Mamma sad, and I don't know what to say to make her feel better.

University feels incredibly trivial, now.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
8:37 p.m.


still I play this game, in the middle lane.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
12:49 a.m.

Been thinking about driving. The amount of music that has been written about driving. It's quite a romanticised, rock-and-roll thing, isn't it? Driving- as they say- in weather; forget Irene, hurricane Katia kept blowing me out of my lane on the motorway. I want a car. I don't need one, and I can't afford one, but I want one. I think driving makes me feel grown-up, like I can get away from myself and leave my old life behind. That's kind of how I feel, these days. Like I'm another person altogether. I don't know if it's a fresh start I'm after, though I think so. Beivng me was becoming difficult. I feel like the new term, the new, free, driveable me, can only be a good thing. Right?

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
12:49 a.m.


and one last thing:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
05:05 a.m.

You know, you promised me things too.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
05:05 a.m.


so don't say goodbye unless you mean it.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
03:32 a.m.

Paper Hearts

That aside, my javascript is rusty but god I am a genius.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
03:32 a.m.


I never thought we'd have a last kiss
never imagined we'd end like this

Friday, August 26, 2011
04:58 p.m.

I do recall now the smell of the rain fresh on the pavement.
I ran off the plane,
that July 9th
(June)
The beat of your heart,
It jumped through your shirt.
I can still feel your arms.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep,
and I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.
I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. I hope it's nice where you are.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
04:58 p.m.


she said it's not about you, it's not about you, it's me.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
11:23 p.m.

Finally back to the flat, standing my empty room and feeling like the world has fallen apart around me. I need to go somewhere else for a week I just can't stay here.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
11:23 p.m.


ashes and wine.
Friday, August 19, 2011
08:06 a.m.

Someone just asked if this wasn't awkward. But do your legs feel awkward if you cut your arm? Should your hands be uncomfortable if you hurt your feet?

It's not awkward. Just sad.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, August 19, 2011
08:06 a.m.



Wednesday, July 20, 2011
02:52 a.m.

Already dawn comes much later than before.
At three, four in the morning when light comes we wake and stare at each other
across great distance. Sometimes I count in my head,
pretend I hear footsteps. But waiting ticks like rain inside my skull.
Afraid of driving in the dark I curl around corners, fatigue merging with a calm
that is filled like time with sadness.
My precision comes of hiding this from you.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
02:52 a.m.


paper doll.
Friday, July 15, 2011
03:25 a.m.

I just want to go somewhere warm and lie in the sun. I don't want to work, I don't want to drive, I don't want to dance, I don't even want a drink, I just want to swim away and disappear. Speck on the horizon. Lying at the bottom looking at the sun.

Thinking endlessly about what doctor said, and why I couldn't tell her I feel like this.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, July 15, 2011
03:25 a.m.


never is a promise.
Monday, July 11, 2011
02:31 a.m.

So today at work a guy came in, ordered a latte and some chocolate cake. He seemed nice (plus cute accent) so once he went upstairs I gave him one of the larger slices of cake. When I brought that and the coffee upstairs he had a really nice notebook on the table, so I said so. Both following times when I went up to clear tables he spoke to me, just casual chat, the usual for a place like (name of cafe I work in). Then when he left he stopped at the bar, thanked me, and asked (and I had to make him repeat himself, because the question seemed to make no sense) if I was wearing Eternity- as in, he said, your perfume. Eternity. And I said, oh-- yes, it is. Him: It's very nice on you. You wear it well. So I laughed, and said thank you as he walked out, and giggled into the orange juice machine as Lou made fun of me and said, Well he'll definitely be back in.

But I don't think- and I've been thinking about this a lot- that I did anything out of the ordinary. Yeah, okay, I gave him a fractionally bigger bit of cake. Unless he's been in every week with Vernier calipers, he's not going to know that. I'm bound by the fact that I'm WORKING to be professional and not do anything inappropriate. Yes, sometimes it's guys I know and possibly find attractive that end up propositioning me. But guys whistle at me on the street. Men I haven't noticed till they speak to me ask me for my number. Friends I've literally never considered as anything else pretend to fight over me and flirt. And I don't push people away as soon as I think something might be going on, because that seems presumptious and arrogant: who am I to assume that guys are definitely trying to make a move on me? I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt until they cross a line. I can look after myself till then, and there's no point being touchy.

And- and I think this is important- I treat guys all the same way, unless I atually don't like them. It's possible (and this too sounds arrogant) that the things that men like me are not things I do on purpose; even if they're... cultivated, it's not like I turn them on to attract attention- they are often things I do consistently, with everyone, in every context, barring when I amn't allowed to. And while I rely on the fact that guys like me easily, or are less likely to dislike me than a woman is, sometimes, to make friends or break up tense situations or establish momentary relationships for ease of operation, I don't use people. I like attention, but I don't get a kick out of flirting with men. And anyway, don't we all like to be liked?

The point of this was I was feeling guilty. And I don't think I should feel guilty. It's probably not my fault.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, July 11, 2011
02:31 a.m.


as more and more it seems the right thing.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
03:09 a.m.

Do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it.


Bigger by ~evenstar6q on deviantART

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
03:09 a.m.


ca m'enerve.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
07:49 a.m.

Okay, mother is probably right. I should see a doctor, because I am crazy. Went right off the wall this morning over a tiny thing, completely out of the blue, and this happens every month. She says otherswise I will actually become one of those psycho women who commits murder because she's having her period. So okay. I'll call tomorrow. NHS here I come.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
07:49 a.m.


Back when I still loved you, Natalie.
Friday, July 1, 2011
10:33 p.m.

"Why did you leave?"
"Problems with a male."
"Boyfriend?"
"Sort of."
"And you left him, just like that?"
"That's the only way to leave: I don't love you any more, goodbye."
"Supposing you do still love them...?"
"You don't leave."
"You never left someone you still loved?"
"No."

I think I might still be trying to be her.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, July 1, 2011
10:33 p.m.


t'es comment?
Monday, June 20, 2011
05:39 p.m.

Beside my bed there's an empty white wine bottle, and a glass sitting on top of a grey-and-black China Mieville novel. I woke up today, saw them, and thought, Can anyone else say pretentious indie kid? And then I went back to sleep.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
05:39 p.m.


I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time.

Sunday, June 19, 2011
02:11 a.m.

Today at Isla's: because he thought ballet was nowhere near as hard as the physical day he'd had, began teaching Martin develope's from fifth and tondues to the front and side. We never even got to the extension. He changed his mind and said yeah, okay, suddenly so much more respect for ballet dancers. And I felt really good, because I could see how much I'd improved since I started: pretty recently I was no more turned out than Marty, and I didn't know about straightening my knees or keeping my hips level or what on earth a tondue was. Hell, what fifth position was. I'm well pleased. Really need to grind at the physical stuff to really get better. Must, must, must stretch.

Party at Descarga last night. Got very very drunk (again). No latenight ballet this time, and so not as much fun as that first social, but one awesome dance with Yainer to that No Digas song I love. And Mayla, his and Kate's wee girl, is so big now. She likes me. She's going to walk any day now, I'm sure.

Frankie goes back to AJ tomorrow. I'm going to miss her, so much. I almost want to just run away with her. It's so easy to keep her happy, she doesn't judge me, or complain, she just wants me to throw her toy when she brings it over, and she curls up by me in bed, and we're great. Chris, Kyle, Isla and Lou have all told me I'm far too attached to her. Yeah, yeah, okay. She's almost-my dog too. ><

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
02:11 a.m.


hurricane drunk.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
01:21 a.m.

There really is a lot of crazy in my head, huh. I don't know how all that psycho fits in there. :/

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
01:21 a.m.


and people think that we're wonderful, now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
02:05 a.m.

Liar. Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar. Good to know. Liar, liar, liar. We're all just liars. I hate everyone, and everything, and I hate me. I hate you.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
02:05 a.m.


so tell me, how it should be.
Monday, June 13, 2011
11:39 p.m.

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that? Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate.
And I don't mind,
Just let me say that I like that,
I like that.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, June 13, 2011
11:39 p.m.


Pero me mata la conciencia,
el saber que no esta aqui-

oh baby why you gotta be doing this to me?

Sunday, June 12, 2011
09:13 p.m.

The first time someone tells you they love you it has incredible weight. It sits on your chest and your heart pounds. You have to look away, because it's coursing through you.

Speaking of coursing, I'm officially immune to caffeine. I feel like perpetually drinking coffee at work. I love it. I love working at Biblo. I love the constant smell of coffee beans and the low music. It makes me feel like Sam Black Crow closing up the coffee house at night.

Frankie and I went to the botanic gardens today. It was a reward for being good and sitting outside while I went to the bank and to the pharmacy. Have made a new hole on her collar and tightened it, so as to not have a repeat of the terror that is her slipping out of it. I like having a dog more than I expected to. It's great. Just don't tell Smelly, he'd be so mad at me.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
09:13 p.m.


So I put my arms around you, and I hope that I will do no wrong.
Friday, June 10, 2011
01:37 a.m.

Getting paid to dance is the best thing ever.

You know what the other best-ever thing is? Having spent a full two years with this moron. Happy anniversary, Junfruit. I love you like life. I love you like dancing salsa. I love you like orange juice, to be honest, and that's seriously quite a lot. I love you like ice skating.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
01:37 a.m.


Because you're working, building a mystery.
(holding on, and holding it in.)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011
12:19 p.m.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
12:19 p.m.


No safe space.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
01:10 a.m.

I wrap my coat around to better
Counteract his charm attack
That leaves me hungry
Well, I'm no savior
But I tried to save you
With all my love
that rages high inside.

What was I thinking?

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
01:10 a.m.


when I find you, I find me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
12:01 p.m.

What do I do?

and you come crash into me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
12:01 p.m.


song for the rich.
Monday, April 25, 2011
01:42 a.m.

I've wanted to tell you this the past few nights, but I haven't had the chance. The night I got back, I was walking home alone from Arta and just at the top of Buchanan street this guy runs slowly past with his (I'm assuming) girlfriend on his back, yelling. And there's another apparent couple some way behind them, him staggering up the hill as she calls some kind of a challenge/threat to the two in front. They're trying to race, I think, losers. We could beat them in a minute, I turn to tell you, but you're not there.

Also I feel bad for you not having done a lot of work the past three weeks. And we do this- you miss me most when I've been gone a while. I miss you most when I've just left. It's like breaking a habit.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, April 25, 2011
01:42 a.m.


I saw the sea roll in, I saw my dear old friend.
He walked right past, I'll never ask I'll never ask again.

Saturday, April 23, 2011
04:36 a.m.

I try not to think about how wide my bed is. I would rather lie awake all night with you too warm and the wall very cold and the blanket too thin than go to sleep and forget and wake up without you again.

Also, Lady Antebellum: go to hell.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
04:36 a.m.


train.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
10:23 a.m.

Suddenly a fierce new love for this country, with its soft cliffs like cake and the strange slanting trees growing sideways with the wind.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
10:23 a.m.


I know you don't read this any more. I wish you would.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
06:51 p.m.

For someone I so nearly loved I have managed to summon an awful lot of distaste. How could you not ask me what I said? Why did it have to be about you? Why do you get to say terrible things about me, and my relationships, but as soon as you THINK I've said or written something about you, I'm cruel and dramatic and low. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. You're so worried about winning a debate that it's stopped mattering whether you're right. And yes, Sean, this time I am writing about you.

I want you to call me. I want you to say, hey, have a safe trip, see you when you get back. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stand in your close and make a fool of myself again for someone who just doesn't care about me any more. And that isn't an assumption. I have your utter disregard for me over the past three months as evidence.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
06:51 p.m.


small crimes.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
02:19 a.m.

He smells of rum. Not as if he drinks too much. In a good way, like Morgan's; sweet, dark, spiced rum. I remember that he's Cuban and wonder if that's why, imagining the Caribbean drenched in alcohol as I dance. This is before I order my first drink.

He asks why I hit him so much. I laugh. It's a habit, I say.

Later while I try to teach a friend a complicated step he bows in mock worship, then as he careens with amusement I hit him again. He says making fun of me is becoming a habit. I am surprised he managed the recall, because his English is terrible. And he begins to question me. He says something I don't expect and I trip.

We dance to another two songs. He spills my drink and for a moment I, too, smell of Cuba.

When I leave the club the sky is still warm, filled with seagulls. I'm not used to seeing birds at night. Clouds have settled in and the light from the city is dull orange against them. Crossing Kelvin bridge I briefly consider climbing over the railing and falling into the cold water. I see three fights on my way home, but no-one shouts at me. I pretend he never said a word. That nothing frightened me into missing a step. And I will repeat him to no-one at all.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
02:19 a.m.


in a place you won't feel cold.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
03:51 p.m.

Yesterday I rescued a cat from a tree. Indeed a major highlight.

Got my theatre essay back today. Did really well- again, wondering if dropping the thing I've always been good at is the right way to go. After all, grades are grades, right. And a double first sounds like fun however you spin it.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
03:51 p.m.


I'm three thousand miles, I'm three thousand miles away.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
01:00 a.m.

Oddest thing to happen thus far in the Glasgow chronicles: parade of people dressed in fur and luminous jerkin-esque items, singing native-American type chants. Armed with drums and assorted brass instruments. Very confusing. Looking out the window I could see other people pulling back curtains to investigate, too.

Not well. Been thinking a lot. This flu's been coming on for some time, too. Too many late nights, I guess, but at least feeling sick is a good reason. Better than the nameless misery of the last few days. Still, can't tell if I'm severely hungover, or just properly ill.

Lying in bed reading Belle Du Jour: The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl. Startlingly well written, sad and sexy and very familiar. I wonder if I really am like her, or if the book is just written to feel easily relatable.
Last night it was Shadow of the Giant over white wine and the Dairy Box my uncle gave me for my birthday. Just realising now it's Nestle and not Cadbury, which is why the chocolate is too sweet and stings in your teeth. Didn't finish the book- it's one that hurts an awful lot if you love someone. Guess the same goes for the wine and Dairy Milk.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
01:00 a.m.


fever dreams.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
10:29 p.m.

I wake up worrying that one day he will leave me and then I will have nothing.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
10:29 p.m.


#l'esprit de l'escalier
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
01:02 a.m.

It's a fucking mess when you can't speak freely any more.
Divtagged, for peace of mind. Seriously. I hate this.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
01:02 a.m.


lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
04:55 p.m.


Not so bad.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
04:55 p.m.


I hope my heart goes first.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
11:56 p.m.

You feel terrified at the thought of being left behind, of losing everybody, the necessity of dying; Oh, we kid ourselves there's future in the fucking, but there is no fucking future. I'm just practising my accents, picking at old sutures

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
11:56 p.m.


deep kitchen thoughts just after midnight.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
12:08 a.m.

When does yogurt go off? Can yogurt go off? I'm confused by this. Technically yogurt has already gone off, in the process of becoming yogurt. Yogurt is essentially dead.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
12:08 a.m.


I don't want you back, you're only the best I ever had.
Monday, February 14, 2011
03:14 a.m.

This week has been great. I feel loved. And I'm still lonely but, you know what, fuck it, I'm happy enough. And my house smells beautifully of lilies.

Had a bit of a thought, standing against the radiator in my living room, humming Vertical Horizon. Good times that you can't have back should maybe just stay in your head, you know? 'Cause they can really screw with your judgment. But nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now.

Sam's asleep next to me. Time for bed.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, February 14, 2011
03:14 a.m.


Puerto Rico, como t'extrano.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
09:16 p.m.

A lost weekend. Weekend filled with loss. I'm not sure if those mean the same thing. It's only February and this year has already taken everything away from me.

Going to get drunk and watch Lights. I have nothing.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
09:16 p.m.


oh what a cliche, I never want to see you again.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
09:04 p.m.

There are people who have taken parts of me that I will never get back. It doesn't matter if they love you- gradually they take you apart. So it's worst when they leave, and impossible to leave them alone.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
09:04 p.m.


this time around, you can be anything.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
04:12 p.m.

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Maybe time to take some things out of the backpack.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
04:12 p.m.


stand in the middle of the street
please don't run over me
I been trying, reaching for a sun that shines.

Monday, January 31, 2011
10:45 p.m.

I spend quite a lot of time worrying about being liked. I like to be liked. It bothers me that people think I'm unfriendly, or too forceful, or strange, or cold. But I'd rather be cold and nearly self-sufficient. I like doing my own thing, I realise, and sometimes I wish people would do it with me, but I have to stop trying to give them my life in order for that to happen. There's no shame in finding it impossible to trust people til long after the fact. I've learnt that, and it's a big deal. I regret trusting people. Going to have to drown the insecurity. Be like that Kipling cat and walk by myself. Grow up. Hurt less.

I'm twenty in two weeks. I'm not feeling like it's a bad thing.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
10:45 p.m.


kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
10:02 p.m.

The ground outside my window is soft,
nothing growing, only surfacing from dullness
like the weight and white that fools our ears to silence.

You closed my eyes, I traced that pattern with my footsteps.
For hours we were turning in a cloud of rising breath,
our coincidence now unbound and lucid.

Resentment is the damp that settles,
distance splintering like cold between us.
I remember without echo our decisions thawing-
in the dim frost of Winter it seemed safe, the retreat into you.

Wrote it for the Alumni publication. Been writing very little lately, and this feels a bit stiff still, but better than nothing.
Watching Mr Mister videos for no particular reason. So very Eighties. I had coffee this morning with Anna, which was brilliant- she's one of those people I should have become really good friends with and then got distracted by dance and its arguably attendant appeal. (I really just did that to achieve an alliterative aim.) It's been sunny today but now it's freezing, Gen says we're heading into another cold snap. Fun fun fun.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
10:02 p.m.


aguanile, aguanile mai mai.
Tuesday, January 27, 2011
09:46 p.m.

Today I discovered the massive underground Marks and Spencer on Buchanan street. Going down the escalator did not quite prepare me for how much food they have packed into rows. It's basically where you want to be barricaded in the event of something apocalyptic.
Saw a sign saying selected orchids, marked down to three pounds. I couldn't find any that actually were, but I suddenly realised I really wanted a plant. For no explicable reason. I just wanted something I could take home that would grow. There was one last little pot of white cyclamen, which is a sad, pretty-looking winter flower, so I bought it. I talked to it all the way home on the subway, looking crazier than usual I expect. I'll give it a name. Hopefully it'll not die on me. I need something to grow.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2011
09:46 p.m.



Thursday, January 20, 2011
02:27 a.m.

Great, Eleanor, walk under a fucking car. Good going.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
02:27 a.m.


Is there a chance you might change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011
03:04 a.m.

I can't say I ever plan on having kids, but if I ever have a daughter I will encourage her to be sane- normal, calm, relaxed. Because it doesn't matter how amazing you look, if you're psycho they get over you pretty quick.

Things were going really well till now. Today was such a good day.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
03:04 a.m.


dying for a good bachata.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
02:39 a.m.

Como me duele
Estar sin ti
Tu no me amas.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
02:39 a.m.


hand to the grind, hope to the sea.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
09:41 p.m.

So I just said, I miss you too.

and you come crash into me.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
09:41 p.m.


somos los campeones de la salsa.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
05:23 a.m.

LA's getting kinda crazy, New York's getting kinda cold- I keep my head from going crazy, I can't wait to get back home.

I am in Sri Lanka. Yeah, don't ask.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
05:23 a.m.


faith-based initiative: there's no such thing as false hope.
Friday, December 17, 2010
01:45 a.m.

'Christmas' dinner at Sean/Sam/Max's, don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. So much fun. But now I smell very strongly of cigars. And I really like dessert wine.

There's some things I need to do when I get home, and I'm a little frightened by the idea. And that's not even the going to the dentist bit. It's just, waiting for things to clear up, it's no fun, I barely know what I'm going to do and I don't know how to get through this.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, December 17, 2010
01:45 a.m.


won't you save me San Francisco?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
03:58 a.m.

Dile al amor que no toque mi puerta,
que yo no estoy en casa que no vuelva manana
a mi corazon ya le ha fallado en ocaciones
me fui de vacaciones lejos de los amores.
Dile a al amor que no es grato en mi vida,
dale mi despedida cuentale las razones.


A whole evening listening to bachata music. Keeps me awake but fidgety. They always sing about the same things, but I like. Really worried about psych tomorrow. Have bitten my nails down to nothing. Gah.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
03:58 a.m.


you and I were friends from outer space
afraid to let go.

Monday, December 12, 2010
03:53 a.m.

Good weekend. Went skating with Sean on Friday, in the square. Reminded me of being little again. I think I exude good vibes when I skate. Or I just become a nicer person. Speaking from various experiences. That afternoon and most of Saturday's was spent on his new xbox- discovered this game Alan Wake, a 'psychological thriller', which is bloody terrifying. Also played L4D2 with Max, which was bizarre but fun-- good bonding time lol.

Anyway right now have more or less just gotten home from the Academia de Salsa masked ball, which was less ball than club and less masked than... unmasked. 'Cause it's really hard to dance without peripheral vision. But a great evening, am exceedingly cheerful now. Good dances with Sean, Donncha, Sam, Arseni (whose name I now realise looks dreadful in print) and various guys from elsewhere/ that I don't know. I really like salsa. I also really like when I feel myself getting better at it. Also there is nothing like a good bachata. Makes me happy. Tomorrow I need to get back to studying. Exams Wednesday and Friday, heading home next Monday.

Have been more or less constantly listening to Train's Save Me San Francisco album. Seriously they are so very excellent. Nearly every song on that album kinda... speaks to me. And they have incredible range. Also a major pick-me-up is A Fine Frenzy's One Cell in the Sea, minus a couple of tracks that are heartbreaking. This is after all the girl that did Almost Lover >_>
Finally I redrew the thing I was drawing that photoshop ate. And some other stuff. Good feeling. Right, going to bed.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, December 12, 2010
03:53 a.m.


Snow and Lights.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
07:14 p.m.

Union que hadett di rimenes ami conmi avec laid. Ett ick creedo meici. This is the thing. Westcom ick feenes dasol. But I'm all right I live my life.

Also, it's really cold. I'm beginning to feel it now. And I feel like dancing. Ankle ):

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
07:14 p.m.


I try to be more like you, speak louder and prouder and hide my love,
but it spills out.

Sunday, December 5, 2010
04:21 p.m.

So the floodgates open but nothing comes out-
I'm feeling no relief in my head, just doubt.
But my heart keeps telling me, Hold your ground,
You'll never learn a thing if you bail out now.

Now the house is quiet as a hollow head
And I'm walking round bumping into things you said.
This has not been as easy as I thought it would,
I'd be cooling down the fire if I thought I could

And I'm lonely again tonight,
I can feel it like a knot in my side.
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
04:21 p.m.


all of the reasons to keep on believing.
Friday, December 3, 2010
01:09 a.m.

I know I'm nearly twenty but I really want to be that little girl in Bridge to Terabithia when I grow up. Also one day I want to be as good an actor as Anna Sophia Robb. What an amazing film. Leslie Burke.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, December 3, 2010
01:09 a.m.


que voy a hacer, je ne sais pas
que voy a hacer, je ne sais plus
que voy a hacer, je suis perdu.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010
02:46 a.m.

I just want to go home, not alone to this flat, not by myself in this bed; I want to go home and be loved and looked after. I regret not chasing Dunman for my paperwork, or wish I'd talked my parents into letting me go to Clark for the spring semester. I wish I hadn't been waiting in the Boyd Orr when the fire alarm went off so I had to queue up again and stand in front of Roxan who was talking about a salsa night the following Wednesday. I can't deal with this. I was scared of throwing away something hugely important to me for the sake of how good it feels to be happy right now. Now I'm out of sorts because I have nothing. I'm not acting like me. I need to go home, and look at this boy I love, and remember who I am, and find my feet, and get away from the falling snow and the cold and the living alone and the fireworks and the clear skies, because they're just breaking my heart.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
02:46 a.m.


I got a scar I can talk about.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
04:37 a.m.

Scary the things that sting, and I always feel jealous the same way, when it isn't my place I find it strangely hard to breathe. Gets a little short in my chest. Don't know why, 'cause I'm not like that.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
04:37 a.m.


well-being
Saturday, November 27, 2010
10:47 p.m.

I'm having one of those good evenings- watching nonsense TV online and there's snow outside and it feels great to be drawing again, and I just feel like it's all okay, my kidneys have stopped trying to kill me, and things will work out, and I'm happy. And sometimes my feelings get scrambled, but it's nice to be in love. Yes, I do think that sounds really stupid, but aiya. Whatever.



(Although I've only got one sock on as usual and I've got pomegranate stuck in my teeth. It could all go to hell pretty quickly, I suppose.)

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
10:47 p.m.


but perfectly honestly, I think it might be good for me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
01:21 p.m.

SO. Been a while. Feeling better.

...and when I wasn't looking this post became really awfully tl;dr. Great.

Fifth of November/ arrival of the Llama

Damn good weekend. On Friday the fifth had planned to go to Glasgow Green with Isla/Sean/Gen/Marty and various salsa people for the fireworks, but on the spur of the moment Sean and I decided to go with Gordon to Kilmarnock and spent the evening there with their friends. We had to walk to the park-thing-place which was some distance away, and despite walking very quickly missed the beginning. However this meant we were at the top of a hill when the fireworks started and we got the most amazing view. Trod across a massive muddy field to stand in the cold air listening to Dream the Impossible Dream. Sky impossibly clear and starry, fireworks of a much more powerful nature than back home- I could feel them pushing against my face.

Hung out at someone's house after, first getting our asses kicked at Trivial Pursuits and then playing charades, which me and Gordon and someone else owned at. Try miming Schindler's List, man. Sean and I caught the bus back to Glasgow at maybe a quarter past midnight and hung out in Steak and Cherry waiting for Sam's bus to come in. I am a little resentful of S&C since I lost my hairband there after crossbody class. But they do an amazing hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and a Flake bar. Fetched the Sam, took a cab home. We were up till don't know when, making bacon and caramelised onion wraps, cheese toast with peppers and dancing salsa in the kitchen. Went to bed happy and exhausted.

Beaverday
Long-awaited beaver journey day. Hampered a little by everyone in my house waking up later than intended. Sam and I piled into Marty's (new, well, newly-acquired) car with him, Gen and Isla and drove to Argyll woodland something armed with cold peppers and fennel and chicken, and juice and bread and jam and cream cheese. Great drive up, very beautiful, and then just before dark we trod about in someone's field by a river for a while. In short no beavers, but fun. Drove back down again, stopping at the massive Sainsbury's in (I think) Anniesland and stocking up on groceries and the like. Weird kick out of huuuuge supermarkets. Saw fireworks from the carpark. Up till all hours again. Don't even remember doing what.

Sunday

So I don't remember what we did in the morning. OH no wait I do! We took Sam to the barras- I say we, I'd never been either- which is basically a markety place where they sell everything in the world. Like a Beach Road crossed with Arab Street. Sam and I stood staring for literally twenty minutes at a stall signed as (again, literally) The Big Sweetie Stall. Came away with (figuratively) our weight in sweets. Sam had never had tablet, bought a bar, walked away, and before we left had to go back to get another, oh, four bars? I bought Sean a candy bar I'd meant to keep note of the name of, so as to never, ever let one get near my teeth, but I've forgotten, so this will have to be reminder enough. Bought Sam haggis and neaps to try, since this is Scotland, after all. And a massive scarily tubular black pudding which I was supposed to cook for her but didn't 'cause she decided to take it home to her flatmates. Really nice walk there- surprisingly pretty day and we walked by the river for a bit.

Then at 3pm dragged the Smaaa to salsa, of course, where she panicked a lot and I pretended to be a guy. I'm not very good at being a guy. We ditched the intermediate class to go visit Lou at Biblo (that's the cafe I've been going to, which I have yet to mention) and, armed with hot chocolate, trudged through suddenly bucketing rain (I mean seriously, no more pretty weather, it was pouring) to Sean's friend's gig, which was pree-etty pretentious semi-metal I-can't-tell loud stuff. Yeah. Sam and I had fun putting the CatHat on various young men with beards. I know this sounds absurd but it was brilliant. I also tried to pretend Sam was my girlfriend but she was having none of it. Then went home and we made Sean watch the second half of Hero except he fell asleep again so Sam and I watched it. And then tried to explain concepts like 天下 which I don't think I really understand they just kinda intrinsically make sense to me because I have heard them repeated since the age of naught. Which I guess really sums up Chinese education for you.


We called Samsam a cab at about, oh, 0215? And then went to bed. I miss her all ready. WHoah already is one word.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
01:21 p.m.


we are not what you think we are we are golden
we are golden.

Friday, November 5, 2010
02:22 p.m.

The balls of my feet hurt from what is probably too much salsa. The rest of me hurts.

and you come crash into me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
02:22 p.m.


Another day, another destiny.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
04:52 p.m.

I see it your eyes, you're sick of me lying,
I want to tell the truth but I'm afraid that you'll leave.
I sing like a child to keep me from dying-
I'm fourteen forever if I make you believe,
I'm fourteen forever so don't leave me alone.

Been a rough week so far and it's only Tuesday evening. Start going to another salsa class this evening, because at some point salsa became the only thing here that makes sense to me. It takes over my heart and my head the way ACSian theatre used to and that'll keep me sane.

Hail, this morning. It's getting to 2000 dark by 1700 and people don't seem to understand why this is nightmarish to me. I miss the sun. When I think about that I get homesick, I feel very lost and unsafe and insecure and young in this country, but at the same time cynical and judged and old and patronised and misunderstood. Things are happening and I'm starting to question myself and my decisions. Et ne me plais pas.
It's like I've forgotten how to behave.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
04:52 p.m.


higher evolution.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
01:14 p.m.

I'm not in jail, or on Big Brother. You are what's best for me.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
01:14 p.m.


'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise
and you take me the way I am.

Monday, October 25, 2010
07:32 p.m.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up,
I am giving up for you.

and you come crash into me.
Monday, October 25, 2010
07:32 p.m.


This adds up to more than us I almost said I love you.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
12:11 p.m.

For posterity, a highlight reel:

Your face when you opened the door (after Rob told you he'd 'moved stuff around 'cause of the radiators, go have a look'). Picking me up and swinging me around in the kitchen. Eating Yenching food. You texting everyone you knew saying ELE IS HERE ELE IS HERE. Both of us falling out of bed. Like idiots. Like kids.

The wind- the gale- on Newbury street. Presenting me to all your friends at lunch. Lying on the grass in the quad. Changing in Becky's room like old times. The kroks running in during Triple Threat. Laughing my head off with Div. Chocolate fudge me, baby don't judge me. Sitting on your lap and cheering for Singapore airlines. Making fun of you with the guy at Yenching. Camping in the blue chair at Currier, and gin and tonics with Meg et all.

Running to rehearsal with you. J.P. Licks and candy and American apparel by myself. Your ridiculous, manic, handstanding polka. Sean bashing ballroom to me by text. You insisting i dance with you during open. Shutting my eyes. And crazy dips. Explaining American football over dinner. Payton Manning.

Staying in bed all Monday. Telling the dining hall lady I'm your freshman girlfriend. Taking the T, and not bloody crying damn it.

and you come crash into me.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
12:11 p.m.


I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up,
so do you think that we could wor

Saturday, October 16, 2010
01:47 a.m.

I am clearly out of my mind. Sean says deep down everybody wants to do this at least once in their life. He's right. I think. Counting down altitude like they do on planes helps me pretend this is not falling but flying.

Wow. Here goes. Surprise.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
01:47 a.m.


I would rather be yours than belong to me.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
07:30 p.m.

This is the band Isla and I saw in Tchai Ovna, the lead recorded it for me, 'cause I said that I'd loved it and mimed heartbreak while I did it. I didn't tell him to use 500 Days Of Summer, by the way. That's a complete coincidence.



And I miss you, she said, like a hole in my head I would rather be dead,
I would rather be dead,
What could I say, what could I do?
so I just said
I miss you too.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
07:30 p.m.


Reality and fantasy are confused, by necessity our lies become truths.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
11:46 p.m.

Birds fly. We all know that. We can see them do it. When time flies we donít see it in the same way. Looking back on a period when time has flown makes things look like they are going fast-forward or all in a blur. The movement of time effects our vision. The time in our minds dances.

I am in Edinburgh this weekend. Been staying with Lian, been to the theatre twice. Decided to come 'cause that Hugh Hughes who did Story of a Rabbit back in j2 is doing shows here and I thought, why the hell not come see it again. Also went to an improv show last night with Selby which was interesting. That man has a very brilliant head on his shoulders. Also today we went shopping, since I needed shoes, and much more fun doing it with Lian than going on my own (hateshoppinghateshopping). Then had Tex-Mex for dinner with her and Y-Lynn (who came to see Rabbit with me) and ended up sitting there chatting for about three hours. As the Scots would say, good times.
Been making fun of how people here say 'Lian', not Lee-ehn but Lee-ahnn, which is bizarre. None of them realises it's a Chinese name. These white people.

Been some drama this week, again this is for me rather than you,
Allor quest settimun oh det a P que no-possium far quest gyg col lue. J est trope zongio a-mi ett no-poss farrien. Ick record sinki, quest e trope deafcol. Ick abiam sinki tute settimun, 'cause clysing lue estat il gyg plus avarica que potevam far ad-un ami. Ett ick sais. Dev record quest, ett dope no farrien dinov.

Spiff thinks it's really cool that I've made up a language. I bloody think so too.
Lian is asleep behind me and I'm quite conscious of typing noisily here, so I think I'll stop. Night, all. Busy week ahead.

and you come crash into me.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
11:46 p.m.


and I miss you, she said,
like a hole in the head. I would rather be dead.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010
11:25 p.m.

Just had an amazing evening at Tchai Ovna with Isla after salsa class. It's this dinky little teahouse place she wanted to take me to. None of the chairs match, there's no space and you have to share tables, it's like a batty person's living room. Tea was lovely and a band were playing and they were fantastic. I'm suddenly quite into Gaelic and how it sounds. We hung around after and talked to the band- the guy and the girl who are from a seven-person band, guitarist/writer/singer and viola-ist. And another guy, who sangd before them, and another guy, whose act is halfway between Craig David and Flight of the Conchords. I have written lyrics all across my arm, as usual.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
11:25 p.m.


Darling when I see you, I see me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
9:18 a.m.

Happy birthday. I've never been so happy.
Think maybe this time I'm saying goodbye, I think I've let you go. I'm okay now.

and you come crash into me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
9:18 a.m.


there's no guarantees, political scientist.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
02:29 a.m.

Well I woke up this morning
and I made a resolution,
I said I'm never gonna sing another sad song again.
I decided I'd admit it, I am not an intellectual,
but the words they never come easy unless I'm singing them.
And the hills I was born in will never leave me,
no matter how hard I try.

and you come crash into me.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
02:29 a.m.

Entries from before Uni.

Powered by Disqus